Back with a lack!?

 

As you can see I’m back, but not on a regular bases. Is it depression? Is it just a normal reaction to the fact that I’ve been suffering from panic attacks for over two year due to the fact that a doctor was negligent and over medicated me? I don’t know. Urspo, maybe you can enlighten us on the subject. Am I normal after all this, or is there still something wrong?

Now for an update.

This was taken in my new backyard. Yes I’ve moved, and the yard is full of flowers. The owner said he was taking care of the yard and it was amazing. The flowers are, but the lawn, it’s full of dandelions and weeds. I’m almost sure the flowers were here when he bought the place. Still, there is sun, flowers and a bit of work for me to be happy. I did have to squeeze my 20 some odd plants I brought from my previous apartment…

The place is great, looks old but with a great degree, if not care, of upkeep. It looks older but cleaner than the other place I used to live at. It’s what my previous place should of looked liked.

I’m doing pretty good, my meds are down to 2 doses of one med, and 3 doses of the other. If everything goes well, I’m dropping one of the 2 doses of the first med in about a week. I’m still working full time. Work is so boring, I have nothing to do. I read the last Harry Potter, and another book in the last 3 weeks.

Since I’ve been gone, they created 3 positions for “experts”, I can do their work in my sleep, we, the regular agents, have almost nothing to do. I’m really not fulfilled. I’m still going back to school in September. I didn’t tell them yet. We have our mid year evaluation this week, I’ll tell them then.

 I guess that’s it for now. If you want more details, let me know, I’ll elaborate more.

As for the ex-friend, I hope you’re doing well.

Have fun!?

J

What’s Cook’in America?!

He won!? He won!?

I can not believe he won!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy he won, but I was expecting DA to win. Maybe his dad is to blame.

Who cares, the good guy won!?

Have fun!?

 I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!?

J

Noah’s Ark?!

If you guys aren’t watching these guys, ya got 2!?
Have fun?!
J

Feeling….

I look like crap!

My head and shoulders feel like they weigh a ton, my lower back hurts. My joints are stiff and I have the runs from just about every hole in my body. I didn’t go to work today.

With all this you’d thing I’d feel like crap, but I don’t. I feel happy.

I don’t know why, and I don’t want to know. I’m not going to analyse this to death, I’ll just enjoy it.

A girl from school sent me pictures from a two day trip they had. They spent two days in the woods identifying trees. Imagine, the trees are leafless, it’s cold and full of snow. They look like they had a great time.

I miss school. I miss the gang. But you know what? I still feel happy. I felt sad for about two seconds because I remembered that we had talked about it. But then I was just happy to see them having fun in the pictures. I’m happy for them, and I’m happy she shared the experience with me.

I just had to share it with you guys!?

Here’s a bit of an update. When I last saw my doctor, I told her I always felt like I was on the edge, nervous all over. She told me it was a good sign. Not at all symptoms of panic. My meds were getting to strong for me. My body didn’t need as much help as it used too. We lowered them and almost over night I felt better, normal, more relaxed. I think we might lower them again next month. I almost feel like I need too.

Happiness to all!?

 Have fun!?

J

Happy new year!?

Urspo asked for an update before I sign out.

 Well here it is.

 I started working full time on the twenty fourth. That’s the same time my symptoms have started to get stronger. Almost every morning before going to work I have to control myself.

Yesterday was one of the worsts. I felt weak till about one in the afternoon.

I didn’t go anywhere on Christmas. I didn’t feel left out or alone. It’s as if I needed the time alone. I don’t know if it’s to desensitise myself, but I was really fine with the staying home and doing my own thing.

I still drink when I get back from work and on my days off. I don’t know if I’m afraid of something but I feel I drink to calm myself down. From what? I don’t know.

I’m still looking forward to going to school in the fall. My budget is all prepared. All I need to do now is let the money roll in and follow it. I’ll start my studying in about a week. I should also start training. First at home, once I can do simple exercises, I’ll look into signing up to a gym.

I don’t know what the problem is, but I can’t seem to shake the past. What happened, what I went back to deal with. What was broken that I’ve fixed. I know I still hold a grudge on what happened or didn’t happen to me. The time I feel was wasted, taken from me.

And I know that by not moving forward I still let my past take and waste time. I’ve made plans for the future, but I just can’t seem to live in the moment, live for the now.

I’m sure my drinking hides what is stopping me from enjoying the moment.

What’s still holding me back?

Happy new year guys!?

Have fun!?

J

D.O.A!?

Have fun!?

Have a good life!?

 J

My favorite Christmas song!?

Enjoy!?
Have fun!?

J

Teddy a prophet?!

I just have to talk about this. It’s so ridiculous.

This thing was oked by the parents of the kids. The kids chose the name. Do they see Teddy as a prophet? What happens if a man with the same name is a murderer? Is he tried as a killer or a bad representative of the name?

How many people throughout the world have taken the Lord’s name in vain?

If we look at the Matrix, wasn’t Neo Jesus? He was the son of the Matrix. And in the end he died for mankind. And the Matrix, God, listened. Did the church say anything?

Are we mad that dog is God backwards? When the word was created, didn’t they think about that?

People take singers and actors as Gods. Heck some think they are. Should we kill them?

My name means I’m one of the seven little prophets. Who are these little prophets? Snow-White’s seven dwarfs? I guess I’m “Happy”! Am I insulting them because I’m gay. Should I change my name?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not insulting the religion. But this story is just too much. The protesters are the ones bringing Him to a teddy bear level.

How many people call their pets Zeus? Princess? King? Or any other gods or goddesses name.

It’s all just a bit too much guys!?

Think about it!?

Have fun!?

J

Nature taking it’s course!?

“Quebec to stand up for Kyoto even if Ottawa won’t”

This is the headline on he CBC. ca web site.

I don’t understand why it’s so hard. Why don’t we ask for every car built for 2010 to be hybrids or electric? Why don’t we demand homes built from NOW on have solar panels or wind power?

We the little people recycle, compost, take the bus… The transit company is even starting a program on hybrid and eco-fuel buses.

Why is it so hard for the big wigs to understand and do the same?

 Think about it!?

J

I feel a little like…

I don’t know why!?

 Have fun!?

J

A new dawn, a new day!?

Talk about a hell of a week-end. I told myself I could relax and maybe cleanse my body on Wednesday night when I went to sleep. Bad idea. I woke up feeling like my head and shoulders were a huge block of cement. I had a fever and felt really bad. This lasted till Saturday morning. Before feeling better, I could feel a throbbing pain coming from my wisdom teeth. Even the one that never came out.

As if that wasn’t enough, on Friday the insurance company called to announce I was going back to work November fifth. I just said yes to everything he said, I felt so feverish and drowsy. It stared hitting me on Saturday as the fever was leaving me. I started freaking out.

I can’t do this. I bit off more than I can chew. I don’t want to leave school. I need to work in order to pay my bills. If they don’t take me back part time, I have to work more than forty hours a week just to pay bills, never mind surviving. How can I keep enjoying school if I have to work full time and not even be sure I’ll be able to pay my bills.

On Monday, I woke up calm and clear. I know what I have to do. And I feel good about my decision. So I called my school adviser. Told him about my heath issues and my financial dilemma. He said he understood and agree it was the best course of action. So I pulled out my budget, and changed the income and added a column. Also, I have a goal now. I tasted life. I had a taste of MY life. I’ll bite the bullet and in ten months, everything will be fine.

What did I do? I suspended my studies until next August. This way I’ll have time to work out the kinks of my panic attacks. I’ll have enough money to pay most of my debts and put some money aside for school. If from the inside I can’t find a temp job, I’ll be able to find one somewhere else.

I didn’t give up, I’m realistic. And the stress I have been feeling since school started is gone. I guess deep down I’ve been wondering all this time. At least I got to try and I know I’m damn good at it. And this, even with my personal challenges.

So imagine when I go back. My debts will be practically history. I’ll be in better heath, in better shape. And you can bet your ass I’ll be studying what I’ve learned so far. It’ll be even easier.

I hate leaving school. But I know it’s only to return even stronger.

So now I sit back and enjoy a progressive return to work.

And than there were three!?

I finally got the results of my third exam. That’s the class that caused my panic attack. Before I give you my grade, I just want you to understand one thing. I’ve talked it over with my shrink and she thinks it make a lot of sense.

I have problems in that class because, first, I think the teacher is the best teacher, and I think he deserves to have good students with the best grades. Second, it’s what I want to do in live. I want a tree farm. So for both of those reasons, I put  pressure on myself to be good, if not great. By association, since the same teacher gives the bio class, that’s why I have problems in both his classes.

Unconsciously, I pressure myself and that is why I draw blanks in his classes.

The other class, where I got 87%, I didn’t even give it a second thought. It didn’t stress me out. Because I don’t really care for the class, and the teacher.

So the grade of my third exam is 70%.

I know it’s good, but that’s me under anxiety.

Remove the anxiety, and I’d be an 85, 90% kind of student.

It’s really weird how I know the information is going in. I guess the anxiety keeps me humble.

Have fun!?

J

When RE is the only way to go!?

REcycle, REuse, REfill, REthink!?

Every time you have to throw something away, ask yourself if there couldn’t be another use for the object.

Here in Quebec we’ve been recycling, paper, cardboard, glass and tin for a long time. Bottles have been refundable since before I was born, and cans and plastic, not long after. We have a truck that comes by for REcycling, just like the garbage truck, but once a week. So we have two bins. Our garbage bag is only full once every two visits from the garbage truck.

A lot of people here also compost. We haven’t started yet, but once we move, I want to start. And I want to get a barrel to collect rain water. That way we can water the flowers and garden with it.

We even REcycle paint. We have a company that creates paint from all the REcycled paint cans. They even REcycle the cans.

Clothes, toys, glasses, wood, electronics, bicycles, and the list goes on. You can even bring in your used books. They might not give you much for them, but add it all up. And someone will be able to get that book, at a lower price.

Use REchhargeable batteries when possible. Think of others before throwing something away. Take the time, make the time to bring it in, your medications, batteries, anything REcyclable.

Please think, and REthink. And please plant! A tree, a plant, flowers, just plant!

Have fun!?

J

My grade is!?

Have fun!?

J

Week 7!?

And we’re back!?

 I want to thank you guys for the birthday wishes, they were appreciated. But please do not take my entry personally. It was meant to friends of mine. I didn’t expect blogger friends to remember. I’m the first one to not remember. I guess it’s because of the way I think.

But like a girl in my class, who suffered the same thing three years ago, said, she also lost friends because they got scared. They did not understand what was going on. It’s ok.

Well I suffered a set back this week. Tuesday morning, I got a big panic attack. I didn’t go to school. It started with something small and escalated to me leaving school. “In my head”. I calmed myself down, but was “nervous” all day. I went to bed, got woken up around midnight with a big urge to go to the bathroom. It felt like the 24 hour flu.

Wednesday morning I was fine until I left for school. I left the house on wobbly knees. I was sweating all the way to school. But before I knew it, I was participating in class and everything was fine. Yesterday was about the same, but  today, aside from sweating for a little bit, everything was fine.

Last week we visited the city’s greenhouses and plantation site. WOW!? I was amazed and that is exactly what I pictured in my mind’s eye. I’m starting to think that my vision is/was my seeing myself working there. I do that a lot. So far I’ve dreamt of my jobs before getting them. But I never knew it back then.

Today was almost a perfect day. I only had the sweats for a little while. And I ended my day with the grade for my second exam. I got…

To be continued!?

Have fun!?

J