Still in thoughts!?

I woke up groggy this morning. My cat actually woke me, vomiting in my door way. I had a headache. I tried to go back to bed but my head just kept talking and asking questions. I understood where my grogginess came from. I spent a restless night.

I know I woke up often last night. Since it’s so cold here, the nights are pretty chilly. So of course I bundled up. I woke up in sweats. The pills do that if I sleep with the covers on. I think it traps my body heat. So I can’t cool down. So off with the covers, but it’s chilly, so I got cold. Took back the covers. Shivered a bit. Fell asleep only to wake up in sweats again.

I don’t know if it’s the medication, but I remember my dreams a lot more. Weird dreams.

So after half an hour of trying to go back to sleep I got up. I felt like a zombie. I just sat at my desk with my coffee and tried to read blogs. Around ten I wanted to go back to bed but I had to get ready to see my doctor.

I took the bus to get there and everything was fine. No anxiety. While waiting for the doc, I was reading, and then it started. I felt my feet go numb. I tried to ignore it. Once it reached my knees, I closed my book and stared at the wall, concentrating on my breathing and asking myself why? What now? There’s no reason for it. It slowly went away. I walked in on wobbly knees, hands shaking.

He didn’t ask how I was, he jumped right into my file and talked about insurance papers he had received. Saying he wanted to fill them out right away. Two thirds of the way down, the question came up, “How is the patient doing with the new medication? a)worst b) same c) better? He then raised his head and asked me how I was doing.

I told him I was in an “I don’t care” mood and had just stopped an attack. I showed him my shaking hand. His question to me was, “Ok, you’re in an “I don’t care” mood. But is it a good I don’t care or a bad?” Since when is there good or bad “I don’t care”?

He was planning on sending me back to work next week. He didn’t see any depression, nor any instability. He dismissed my attack.

I gave him the test results for my wrists. I told him I don’t see the point in going back before the operation. I don’t have my desk anymore, they gave it to someone else since I’ve been gone so long and don’t know when I’m going back. They don’t have a desk available for me. They would have to put a desk somewhere.

So why have them create a space for me only to leave in a couple of weeks for another month or so? He wrote on the paper that he didn’t think it was a good thing to start me back only to stop me again.

Besides, my clothes don’t fit me anymore. It’ll give me time to try and get back down to a normal weight. 

So I’m not going back to work until I get operated. I have to call tomorrow to see a specialist who will tell me yes I need to get operated and he’ll schedule another appointment. I also told him I felt something in my right ear. He couldn’t find anything. Right now I feel the heat on the outside of my ear. Something is there. But what?

I told him my right foot had been swollen for the last three weeks. He looked real quick and told me to “call here” and make an appointment to see another specialist and I’ll probably end up wearing an ankle brace.

I went home and went to bed. I slept for more than two hours. Woke up fifteen minutes before I had to leave to go see my shrink.

I asked him why I was never in the mood to do anything. He said, “Let’s see.”

• You have general panic and anxiety attacks.
• You gained a lot of weight.
• Your clothes don’t fit you anymore.
• Your hands are numb.
• Your arms hurt.
• You have a problem with your right ear.
• You can’t walk two blocks without your ankle hurting you.
• You’ll be at least three weeks with just one hand, and not the good one.
• You don’t have a desk at work anymore.
• You lost money.
• You’re losing more money.

“And YOU’RE asking ME why you’re down?”

He said even if the doc had said I was ready to go back he wouldn’t have let me go back.

“Your body is full of chemicals and it still can’t make heads or tales of it all. You need more time for the pills to settle down and help you.”

I still felt blue, but better on my way back. On the bus, I started having another attack. Again I stopped it. How can I be so full of drugs, feel like I don’t feel anything and still have an attack?

I got home and went to bed. Only to get up half an hour later. I couldn’t sleep. I did feel better. I ate and decided to let you guys know what was going on.

So I have a few calls to make tomorrow and then I have to call the insurance lady and give her the good news.

Thanks for the photo suggestions. I didn’t forget, it’s just so freakin’ cold here these days. My camera wouldn’t work. As soon as temperatures go up a bit I’ll run around town and get those pics for you.

I’ll pop in again sometime this week. Depending if I have news or if I feel like it.

Till then,

Have fun!?

J

February 6, 2007 | Categories: Uncategorized | 6 Comments