Coming out of the shadows?!
I guess I could say the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. My decision to stop blogging was a good thing. And I’m glad because it only took me a few days to make myself understand that the blog is not my life.
The first day after my decision to stop, I already felt better. After a few days I realized that the blog is just one of many outlets. Now I feel better about writing and if I don’t feel like writing or if I have nothing to write about, I don’t feel bad about it.
If people comment or not, that’s also ok now. Before I would stay glued to my desk and wait for comments. It’s a good thing I made myself understand because some of you are sick. Some have computer problems and some comment only if I comment on their blog first.
I read my blogroll every day. I’m influenced and inspired by all of you. I can’t wait to be well enough to start running also. I can’t wait for the snow to melt so I can get back to cycling.
I feel myself getting better. The days are longer. Even with temperatures in the -25 with a windchill of -40 I still go out there. And it feels good. I feel more positive now. Things aren’t always dark and gloomy like they used to.
I did suffer four attacks in the last two weeks, I still don’t know why, but it’s ok. They come and go. I’ll just take it as it comes. I will be evaluating why and work on making myself understand that there is nothing to it.
I have been drinking a lot more lately. Make that for a while. And for some reason, on Sunday, while drinking, but a lot less then usual. I decided that it was enough. I don’t have the money to keep it up. I know it’s not a thing to do while on medication. And I need to get my clothes to fit again.
So Monday I didn’t drink. On Tuesday my head was telling me, “go ahead, taste it. Taste it.” It was not a craving, it was more like a parent knowing that it’s not good for you but will let you do what you want. I don’t know if it makes sense, but that’s how it was. So I waited until late Tuesday. Right before dinner. I opened one. I hated the taste and I felt bloated right away. It took me more then an hour to drink the one beer.
The next day I tried again to see if it was just because maybe I didn’t feel good on Tuesday. Nope!? It was the same. I put half of it down the drain. And yesterday I didn’t drink at all and I don’t miss it.
I guess it’s a bit of all of the above, but for the last two nights, I fall asleep right away. No pills to help me sleep. And in the morning, I’m more alert. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a long time.
I really think things are looking up. Slowly but I can feel it.
Have fun!?
J
Would I !? 