Hot for the cabbie!?
I took the subway Wednesday morning for the first time in about a month. I used to take it to go to the plastic surgeon because it was only four stops from my house. My shrink is farther, ten stops with a transfer. One of the last times I took the train, I had to get off after the transfer. I had a full blown panic attack. The last time I was sitting down. So when I felt my legs go numb, I just sat there and did some breathing exercises. I stopped taking it after that.
After my phone evaluation last week, she tells me I need to go sign a release in order for them to receive my two previous psych reports. I asked if she could fax it, she said she needed the original. Might as well have told me I had to go to the end of the world, because that’s how far the hospital seemed to me. It’s further than my shrink’s office.
So I hoped on the train. No seats were available. I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t panic. Then I started feeling all kinds of things. Always thinking panic was going to invade me. When came time to transfer, I did feel a bit light headed. The station has big enclosed spaces. I went down to the other line. I got on the train and took a seat. All the time saying I wont panic, I’m going to panic soon… Well I got to the end of the line with not even a bead of sweat.
Once outside, I couldn’t find the bus stop. I started getting anxious. Once I found it, I got anxious again because it was moved do to construction. So I went to the temporary bus stop and waited, anxiously. Once the bus got there I asked the driver and he told me it was the right bus. I sat down and relaxed.
I was in the hospital for only a minute. That’s how long it took me to find the office and sign the paper. A seventy minute subway and bus ride, for a minute. I got out and took a cab to go to a store. That was my plan. If I could make it to the hospital, I was going to a store to buy some wrapping stuff.
The cabbie started talking to me and I noticed my heart beat getting faster. Beads of sweats started trickling down my neck and forehead. I concentrated on the road and looked at the different houses. The ride was only ten minutes, but to me it felt like an eternity. I got out and breathed. I just walked around to relax, dry myself out and calm down. I went into the store and stayed in there for a good half hour. At the cash, the sweats and the shakes started again.
I was debating cabbing it to my house or take the bus. I took the bus. It took me an hour to get home, but I was fine. I even stopped at the flower market and got a few plants. I have to tell you I was tired and drained afterwards.
But I did it.
I think now it’s the scare, the bad events that happened, that I keep reminding myself. If I can pass that, I’ll be fine. As for the cab driver, I guess I’m not good at one on one yet. Or was it just too much all at once? I think it was the one on one. In the store I was fine until I faced the cashier. I’ll have to talk to the shrink about that.
Have fun!?
J
Would I !? 