Past, present and….past again?!
I was catching up on some blogger friends this morning. I came across Urspo’s post about mid-life crisis. I’ve been looking at my situation as a mid-life crisis.
I’ve been doing the same work for fifteen years. I love helping people, but I’m not an office kind of guy. I’m too outgoing, too artsy, too space, too loud.
For the few that have been with me since the beginning, you know how young and naïve I find myself. I’ve always felt like I never really had a childhood. Not a fun one anyways. I had to take on adult responsibilities at a very young age. Then, when all was said and done, I fell back on a patchy, hollow past. It was “me” time.
Facing the world with only a handful of tools, I started feeling lost and out of place. To a certain degree I was like Tom Hanks in Big. A kid in an adult body. Making my way into this world while trying to grow up and take care of myself. Falling back on the few, and not that great, experiences that are my past. I guess the fact that I was an only child, left to fend for myself most of the time, helped me deal with the isolation I felt.
I’ve changed my views on what I have been through so far. I see my experiences as challenges, hard ones mind you, but still as something that I was made to live out. I’ll keep building the person I am, will be, with what the future brings.
Which brings me to my very near future. I feel like I have a second chance, a way to cheat if you will. By going back to school, I’m sure I’ll be able to find some of the pieces that are missing. I’ll be able to live without being on the defenses about my sexuality. I won’t be stressed with “what ifs” of how I’ll find my mom. Yes I have other obligations, but those are mine, not someone else’s.
I feel like the derailed train is back on track. Like the detour is about to be over.
I’m not looking for lost time. I’m just looking to make myself whole. And I feel school, the learning, the people are things I’ve missed, have been missing. The next year won’t replace my teen years, it will just add to what I already have, what I already am.
I’ll be studying something I love. I’ll be preparing a future I look forward to.
Have fun!?
J
Would I !? 