Recap, weeks two & three!?
So Tuesday two weeks ago I felt sick. In the morning I was coughing to the point of wanting to vomit. Was it a small panic attack? Was it the fact that my meds were at their lowest three weeks in a row? Or did I just feel overwhelmed by it all?
If you have answered “all of the above”, you’re right. I felt nervous. Not at a panic attack level. It didn’t feel the same. My doctor thinks it was a panic attack, but that to a degree I now manage as just a nervous reaction. So to her that’s a good sign. It means that I’ve started changing my behavior patterns.
The meds take three weeks to establish themselves. It takes the same amount of time to adjust to a lower dosage. So I was probably weaker. My body did not have time to adjust and compensate on it’s own before the stress appeared.
The fact that school started and there was no adjustment period. It started and I had to be there every day. The fact that I introduced a schedule and forcing myself to be in class, to listen, memorise and learn all at once was very demanding on my system. Because I pulled through with minimal difficulty, she says I did a pretty good job considering.
Putting my body through all that I’ve just mentioned, and being able to cope, instead of facing a little problem and try to fix it. I just tore through that bridge and burnt it. It’s as if I told my body not to try to understand, just do it and move on. So I didn’t skip steps in my therapy, I took bigger steps and told my body to just deal with it.
To not take the time to explain to myself that 2 + 2 = 4 and not 3, in this case, I didn’t have a choice. I don’t think the school would have allowed me to go progressively at first. I will not burn the bridge every time I get to it, but for this, it was needed and it showed me I can do it. So forcing the right way to go about it was the only way to go, and my body, in the end, understood and caught up.
I still sweat in the subway and on the bus, but I can deal with that.
Last week was the first full week of school. (5 days) Monday morning, up until fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I was trying my best to calm myself down and avoid panic attacks. Was it because it was the beginning of the week, and it was repeating the pattern from the previous week? Was it because we had a field trip? I knew where we were going, but didn’t know what to expect once there. So at six forty five, I jumped in the shower, after I made my lunch and cabbed it to school. Because I felt on edge, I decided to skip the stress of taking the subway to get there.
Once on the bus that was to take us there, I had to manage another panic attack. When we got there, we visited and then we had to give them a hand. Work in the field, to get experience. My team had to climb a pretty steeped hill, about a 70 degree inclination. Because of my out of shape body, I was huffing and puffing, but at the same time I realised I was hyperventilating. So when I got to the top, not only did I have to catch my breath, but I had to get it under control. I was twice as weak because of it and it took me a good fifteen minutes to feel better.
Suffering from agoraphobia, I was looking at the mountain, and then I just turned around and told myself, deal with it. Nothing happened, no light headed, nothing. I could see other mountains, ski slopes, trees, the big blue sky… Everything was fine. That boosted my ego a bit and I could start working with the others. I was pretty proud of myself.
They say our work that day saved them about a weeks worth of work. I was glad to be part of it. You have to understand, every time I have an attack or work at avoiding one, about fifty percent of my energy is sucked out of me. I usually feel drained after. And it’s not easy to get back on track when you have to work right away.
The rest of the week was pretty uneventful on that front.
I got a call from the author of THE book on panic attacks and agoraphobia. I figured she wanted my opinion on the book. No, she is the one giving the group therapy that should start in November. She asked to see me. We met on Thursday, she was pretty amazed at all I just described to you, and she will try to give me personal treatments on Wednesday afternoons, that way it wont interfere with my schooling.
The book she co-wrote, is the best book on the subject. It’s a French book, the title in English would be “Scared of being scared”. I love this book so much. It talks about the problem and gives a person everything to try and deal with the issues on their own. So imagine how excited I am to be threaded by this woman. It’s The person to get treatment from.
School is pretty good now. My favorite classes are “Trees and shrubs” and “Intervention”. In that class, we each have a section of greenhouse to take care of. When we don’t have a class, we have to go on our lunch hour and take care of our plants. My only complaint is that we don’t have enough time to do everything. I don’t mind losing part of my lunch time to work. The other students complain.
I’m off to do some homework. I have to write three papers, collect plants (4) and a bug. I have to read two articles and prepare for a test tomorrow. So today is a busy day.
Have fun!?
J
Would I !? 