Get my kicks on route 64?!
Yes guys, right now, 64 is the road to travel. I owe you an apology Lewis. I got 64 on my exam from Monday. I was so happy!? I was sure I wouldn’t even get 50. The teacher asks for a 60 point average. The final exam is 70, but I have time to get it.
When I saw my grade, I almost cried. I had tears in my eyes. He told the class not to make to much of a big deal, it was only a grade and he knows some people have challenges in their personal lives. He was talking about me and a girl who had to get chi-mo treatments.
I talked to him on Wednesday, asking for homework on his subject. I also asked if he knew I was suffering from panic attacks, he said no. My group rep didn’t tell him. He thanked me for telling him. I guess it will explain some of my erratic behavior.
I don’t want him to go easy on me, but at lest he knows now.
I don’t have any exams next week, but I’ll be studying this week-end anyways. I feel like I have some catching up to do.
But I’m so happy, and relieved!?
Have fun!?
J
week 5 recap!?
Already week five. It was a normal week, for someone with panic troubles. Nothing happened. We did have an exam on “weeds” we had to identify twenty five plants. But we had to learn fifty six of them. Did you know that a weed is a plant that grows where it’s not wanted? So anything can become a weed.
Aside from that it was quiet. Had a very quiet birthday. My boss, Pascal and his mom wished me happy birthday. That was it. No other friends called. But it’s ok, cause they mostly pulled away when I started getting sick. I didn’t feel like dealing with that B.S. Actually, I dealt with it, it’s just over. I’ll make new friends.
We had a big exam this morning, I’m pretty sure I flunked it. I had an attack on my way to school, and I was still dealing with it when the exam started. I’ll have to redo the exam. We have another big one on Wednesday. I’m really not ready. We have to learn about thirty different kinds of trees, in Latin, their families, and other special characteristics. I’ll do my best, that’s all I can do.
Have fun!?
J
My 2¢!?
You know I feel good if I talk about something other than panic attacks or anxiety.
OK a bit about me first.
My shrink was freakin’. She looked at me and said, “what do we do now?” I laughed and told her, “I don’t want to scream victory right away, but…”. She agreed. I’ll see her in two weeks and we’ll see how it goes from there. She thinks I did all the work needed on my own.
I did actually. With the help of you guys and the book she wrote. I did not spend hours on techniques, but I did understand the principal. I think that did the trick. Aside from a short, sorta, panic attack on Monday, after I learned we didn’t have an exam, I feel wonderful.
She told me it was normal for me to have that reaction. I had to come down too fast from a normal anxiety reaction regarding my exam, to relief. Since I’m still sensitive, it’s a normal reaction to feel like I’m about to have an attack.
The exam was today. I didn’t feel ready on Monday, but today, I got 18/20. She is amazed by my transformation, my outlook, my enthusiasm, my energy. She is herself, overwhelmed.
With what happened to me, or did not happen, she can not believe, understand how this is all coming about. She’s very happy for me, and, it shows. I saw it. I’m happy for me too! Very!
Have fun!?
J
PS, my 2¢ will come tomorrow or Friday!? But then again, you know what I’ll be talkin’ about.
PPS, also a BIG day for me tomorrow!?
Week 4!?
After my routine on Monday morning, I was on my way to school. I was nervous. What if I don’t make it? Will I give up? I could screw up. What then? I got my answer ten minutes after class started. If I hadn’t reread myself, I would have had a perfect score. I got 18/20. It was our first test and I passed! I reread my answers, and changed the right answer for a wrong one. It’s ok. I know what my mistake was. I can tell you that having that score boosted my ego. I felt great.
Oh yeah, my panic, anxiety and agoraphobia were no where to be found this week. I felt fantastic. No extra sweats in the subway. Nothing. Just a pretty normal life this week. It feels great.
We had another test, I got 11/20. It’s ok. One of my mistakes was reading the question wrong. I would have gotten 15/20. But even with a low score, I’m in the average of the class. The teacher said it was a hard exam. So I did ok next to my other teammates. Not that it’s ok to just be average, but I feel better knowing we’re all in the same boat.
I love our group. Everybody supports each other. One girl had zero, and we all supported her and offered to help.
God it’s good to be “normal” again.
Have fun!?
J
Recap, weeks two & three!?
So Tuesday two weeks ago I felt sick. In the morning I was coughing to the point of wanting to vomit. Was it a small panic attack? Was it the fact that my meds were at their lowest three weeks in a row? Or did I just feel overwhelmed by it all?
If you have answered “all of the above”, you’re right. I felt nervous. Not at a panic attack level. It didn’t feel the same. My doctor thinks it was a panic attack, but that to a degree I now manage as just a nervous reaction. So to her that’s a good sign. It means that I’ve started changing my behavior patterns.
The meds take three weeks to establish themselves. It takes the same amount of time to adjust to a lower dosage. So I was probably weaker. My body did not have time to adjust and compensate on it’s own before the stress appeared.
The fact that school started and there was no adjustment period. It started and I had to be there every day. The fact that I introduced a schedule and forcing myself to be in class, to listen, memorise and learn all at once was very demanding on my system. Because I pulled through with minimal difficulty, she says I did a pretty good job considering.
Putting my body through all that I’ve just mentioned, and being able to cope, instead of facing a little problem and try to fix it. I just tore through that bridge and burnt it. It’s as if I told my body not to try to understand, just do it and move on. So I didn’t skip steps in my therapy, I took bigger steps and told my body to just deal with it.
To not take the time to explain to myself that 2 + 2 = 4 and not 3, in this case, I didn’t have a choice. I don’t think the school would have allowed me to go progressively at first. I will not burn the bridge every time I get to it, but for this, it was needed and it showed me I can do it. So forcing the right way to go about it was the only way to go, and my body, in the end, understood and caught up.
I still sweat in the subway and on the bus, but I can deal with that.
Last week was the first full week of school. (5 days) Monday morning, up until fifteen minutes before I had to leave, I was trying my best to calm myself down and avoid panic attacks. Was it because it was the beginning of the week, and it was repeating the pattern from the previous week? Was it because we had a field trip? I knew where we were going, but didn’t know what to expect once there. So at six forty five, I jumped in the shower, after I made my lunch and cabbed it to school. Because I felt on edge, I decided to skip the stress of taking the subway to get there.
Once on the bus that was to take us there, I had to manage another panic attack. When we got there, we visited and then we had to give them a hand. Work in the field, to get experience. My team had to climb a pretty steeped hill, about a 70 degree inclination. Because of my out of shape body, I was huffing and puffing, but at the same time I realised I was hyperventilating. So when I got to the top, not only did I have to catch my breath, but I had to get it under control. I was twice as weak because of it and it took me a good fifteen minutes to feel better.
Suffering from agoraphobia, I was looking at the mountain, and then I just turned around and told myself, deal with it. Nothing happened, no light headed, nothing. I could see other mountains, ski slopes, trees, the big blue sky… Everything was fine. That boosted my ego a bit and I could start working with the others. I was pretty proud of myself.
They say our work that day saved them about a weeks worth of work. I was glad to be part of it. You have to understand, every time I have an attack or work at avoiding one, about fifty percent of my energy is sucked out of me. I usually feel drained after. And it’s not easy to get back on track when you have to work right away.
The rest of the week was pretty uneventful on that front.
I got a call from the author of THE book on panic attacks and agoraphobia. I figured she wanted my opinion on the book. No, she is the one giving the group therapy that should start in November. She asked to see me. We met on Thursday, she was pretty amazed at all I just described to you, and she will try to give me personal treatments on Wednesday afternoons, that way it wont interfere with my schooling.
The book she co-wrote, is the best book on the subject. It’s a French book, the title in English would be “Scared of being scared”. I love this book so much. It talks about the problem and gives a person everything to try and deal with the issues on their own. So imagine how excited I am to be threaded by this woman. It’s The person to get treatment from.
School is pretty good now. My favorite classes are “Trees and shrubs” and “Intervention”. In that class, we each have a section of greenhouse to take care of. When we don’t have a class, we have to go on our lunch hour and take care of our plants. My only complaint is that we don’t have enough time to do everything. I don’t mind losing part of my lunch time to work. The other students complain.
I’m off to do some homework. I have to write three papers, collect plants (4) and a bug. I have to read two articles and prepare for a test tomorrow. So today is a busy day.
Have fun!?
J
Searchin’ !?
I’m looking for info and samples of this tree.
If anyone has a “Paperbark Maple”, please let me know. I’m doing a report on this tree for my “Trees and shrubs” class. I’d like to show a tree that we here in Canada don’t have and I’d love to have, bark, leaves and branch samples.
Please let me know.
Have fun!?
J
Boo!?
Even if the picture doesn’t reflect my post, I just had to put it up. She is just too cute.
I know that my last post might have looked like I was giving up. Urspo got it right.
You have to remember that I’ve not felt really good for that long. I’m also putting a plan into action of an idea that even when I wasn’t sick, I couldn’t bring myself to put into motion. I had absolutely no confidence in myself. Since I’ve been sick, forget about it. It’s ten times worst. I always second guess myself.
And let’s say I hadn’t decided to go to school, I still wouldn’t have gone to work right away. And when I did, it would be gradually. Not all day, every day just like that.
Also, I’m doing this on no money. I did ask the government for a student loan, still no news.
So that moment of hesitation, was a normal reaction for someone in my position.
Now what happened the next day is where I do allow you to give me a big kick in the pants if you don’t like what you read.
I went to school and everything was fine. We had a very big day today. We were busy in the fields all day. The weather was really hot, humid, I think I’m going to wake up with sun burn on my face.
Still want to kick me?
I had to cancel my psychologist appointment tonight. No money. No refunds came back from the insurance yet. And I still need to get some stuff for school.
But am I giving up? No!?
All the comments after urspo, I only read them after school yesterday. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. And they made me laugh. But like I said. I think it’s normal to have a bit of doubt now and then.
I’m goin’ to bed. I’m beat, and I have school tomorrow.
Have fun!?
J
Mistake?!
I think I’m making a big mistake going to school right now. I don’t know if it’s nerves, lack of confidence or what. I just feel like it’s too much too soon. I feel like I’m going crazy. I’ve prevented about five panic attacks tonight.
I feel like I’m just starting to feel like myself, more normal. Since last week, I feel overwhelmed. Like a car spinning out of control.
I really don’t know.
Goal board!?
A lot of people create boards of what they’re trying to achieve. I found it fitting to have one too. Since I’m going to school and not going back to my desk job, I decided to create what I’m working to achieve. It was suppose to be a retirement or preretirement plan. But why wait. Life brought me here for a reason. Maybe my plan needs to unfold sooner then later.
To start, I’ll need land. Hopefully the house will be big enough for a B&B. Second, I’ll have a farm, non dairy cows, sheep, goats and horses. The people at the B&B will be able to help out, use the horses… But if they prefer, they could just be at peace with nature. I’m hoping for a lake or a pond. That way people will be able to swim, kayak and maybe fish.
Once this is established, I’d like to rescue animals that are abandoned by their owners. Every year we see animals freeze to death because the farmer did not have the money to feed and keep them warm. I’d either take them to save them, or take them to give the farmer a break. If it’s not abuse and he wants them back, he could have them.
Hopefully the land would be good for planting. I could raise a crop or two. When money permits, I’d like a greenhouse. That way I’d be able to start my own nursery. I’d like to sell plants, trees and shrubs.
When all is established, or the big picture if you will, would be an interactive B&B, people could work with the animals or with the plants. Or like I said they could just take it easy. I’d have a few people working the nursery. I’d try to get an active program with the veterinary college of the province. That way students could get the experience and it would only cost me room and board.
It is an ambitious plan, but I’m not looking to do all this on my own. I do want to be able to give it my all, where my help will be needed.
Have fun!?
J
Recap week one!?
This is what greeted me on Wednesday morning. Can you believe this is the entrance to my school. How could you not want to go there. As soon as I saw this, I knew I had made the right choice.
The pictures were taken on Thursday morning. It was cloudy. I’ll try to take some again when the sun is out. I took them anyways to show you.
Apart from some sweating that lasted a bit to long and appeared a bit to often on Wednesday, everything was fine. The sweats appeared again on Thursday, they didn’t last as long and were few and far between. Tuesday night I took about two hours to fall asleep. I was anxious and excited to start. No panic symptoms. Wednesday night, my head was spinning from the day’s events. Everything I saw and did. I was excited. It took about ninety minutes for me to fall asleep. Thursday night, my legs were killing me. I rubbed some Ben-Gay and fell asleep right away.
Friday, we spent about three hours in class, and four hours running around checking out all the greenhouses and gardens. Aside from sweating on the way home, because they gave us two books that we’ll have to work with this semester. The books are bigger than the phone book. So sweating was obvious. Friday was a panic/anxiety free day. No symptoms. No over sweating either.
Friday is also the day I confirmed I did make the right choice. When we were entering the greenhouses where the real work takes place, not the ones open to the public, I just could see myself in one of them working there.
School will be good for me. The other students are nice. The age range is from eighteen to fifty five. So far, we all get along. The group is made out of other people that decided to make a career change.
Now I’m off to buy my boots and stuff for Tuesday.
Have fun!?
J
End of week one!?
Things are going great, just very tired.
I’ll give you details tomorrow.
Have fun!?
J
Day one, update!?
I left the house feeling nervous and excited. I took the subway with absolutely no problems. I walked up the hill and I was there. The view of the entrance was amazing. I’ll bring my camera tomorrow. I walked in and I could feel my heart racing a bit. I sat down and did my best to calm down. I was sweating a bit, I figure it was the excitement, the hike and the humidity. It didn’t feel like an anxiety or panic attack.
Our first day lasted four and a half hours. I was glad to see it end. I guess going back to school, to a schedule, to some obligations were starting to wear me down. Tomorrow is a full day. I was suppose to have three doctor appointments, I rescheduled two of them in order not to miss to much of tomorrow.
I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.
Have fun!?
J
Bitter sweet end!?
My holiday ends today.
I’m happy and sad. It means that I’m going back to a normal life. YEAH!?
But I also feel like we did when summer ended and school started. Cause, in the end, SCHOOL STARTS TOMORROW!?
Have fun!?
J
Past, present and….past again?!
I was catching up on some blogger friends this morning. I came across Urspo’s post about mid-life crisis. I’ve been looking at my situation as a mid-life crisis.
I’ve been doing the same work for fifteen years. I love helping people, but I’m not an office kind of guy. I’m too outgoing, too artsy, too space, too loud.
For the few that have been with me since the beginning, you know how young and naïve I find myself. I’ve always felt like I never really had a childhood. Not a fun one anyways. I had to take on adult responsibilities at a very young age. Then, when all was said and done, I fell back on a patchy, hollow past. It was “me” time.
Facing the world with only a handful of tools, I started feeling lost and out of place. To a certain degree I was like Tom Hanks in Big. A kid in an adult body. Making my way into this world while trying to grow up and take care of myself. Falling back on the few, and not that great, experiences that are my past. I guess the fact that I was an only child, left to fend for myself most of the time, helped me deal with the isolation I felt.
I’ve changed my views on what I have been through so far. I see my experiences as challenges, hard ones mind you, but still as something that I was made to live out. I’ll keep building the person I am, will be, with what the future brings.
Which brings me to my very near future. I feel like I have a second chance, a way to cheat if you will. By going back to school, I’m sure I’ll be able to find some of the pieces that are missing. I’ll be able to live without being on the defenses about my sexuality. I won’t be stressed with “what ifs” of how I’ll find my mom. Yes I have other obligations, but those are mine, not someone else’s.
I feel like the derailed train is back on track. Like the detour is about to be over.
I’m not looking for lost time. I’m just looking to make myself whole. And I feel school, the learning, the people are things I’ve missed, have been missing. The next year won’t replace my teen years, it will just add to what I already have, what I already am.
I’ll be studying something I love. I’ll be preparing a future I look forward to.
Have fun!?
J
Remember these?!
Temperatures have been pretty cool lately. So I wasn’t sure. But the humidity has returned since yesterday and it’s adding about ten degrees, I’m fine. No more big sweats. No more rivers running down my face, neck and no more wet T-shirts. Now I sweat because of exercise or because I’m hot. I guess the fact that the meds are back to an antidepressant level makes all the difference. It’s not affecting the adrenaline anymore. This alone makes it great.
I feel stronger and have more energy with every passing day.
I saw my psychiatrist on Tuesday. We lowered the meds again. I’m at 112.5 and should stay there for a while. I’ll also keep the other one, for now. She was happy when I told her I had lost four pounds in a week.
I went to see the behavior specialist. He asked me how I wanted to go about dealing with my attacks, the more physical way, recreating the sensations and learning to deal with them, or the relaxing method to let them wash over me. I told him the first method.
Tell me if you agree with my reasoning, no where can I learn how to deal with the attack symptoms but I can take a yoga class to learn how to relax, I can get a massage, acupuncture. So I wanted to learn what can not be taught in a class or a relaxing CD or DVD. Does that make sense?
He surprised me by telling me I probably won’t go back to work till December. So with that in mind, I’m starting school on Wednesday. (Sandra, don’t tell anyone) He approved. He prefers I be active then inactive. It will also show us if the attacks will come up under different circumstances, different stress.
So as you can see, a lot is going on and pretty fast at that. I’m still adjusting to the medication. It’ll be weird to get back into a schedule. To go back to school after so many years. I’m not afraid, I’m excited.
Have fun!?
J
So spank me!?
I know I said I was to write the next day after my last post. I didn’t. Sorry. Things are going well, but I guess the will of writing every day is not back yet.
The guy from the insurance came by. It was a nice day, so I asked if we could sit outside. We had coffee and a very nice chat. Like all the others, he’s amazed at all the progress I’ve made on my own. He is not surprised that I was medicated when things could have been fixed in a matter of a few months.
I told him I couldn’t afford anymore visits to the psychologist and that I had reached my quota in June. He has agreed to pay for extra visits. I’ll be able to go for behavior therapy. Of course he is pushing for me to return to work, but he is not being a pain about it. I told him my doctor wanted to get me off the meds first. He seemed OK with that.
I’m seeing the psychiatrist later today and the behavior shrink on Thursday. I called the insurance guy to let him know I was starting this week. He was pleasantly surprised that things are moving along so fast.
As for my state of mind, I feel so alive and so awake. I do more stuff. I’m not a regular busy bee yet, but I’m getting there. We had to remove plants and flowers from our backyard on Sunday so the guys could come and fix the brick. We had to remove some of our wooden stuff. I worked pretty hard trying to uproot 4X4s from the ground. Although I’m out of shape, things went pretty well. There’s still strength in them arms of mine. The work took about three hours. About half of what I expected.
I’ve been eating my three meals a day. I’m starting to feel hungrier. Don’t worry, I’m being careful with what I eat.
I think things are coming along pretty good. I wish I was doing more, but I guess with what I’ve been through, it’s normal that things comeback little by little. I’m sure one step at a time will soon become one day at a time.
Have fun!?
J
Guess who woke me up?!
Tuesday of last week, around midnight. I had just fallen asleep. I hear Pascal opening the front door. I hear a guy’s voice. Figured it was a friend of his but I also thought it was a bit late for a visit. The guy was loud. Then I could hear a second voice and heavy foot steps. I couldn’t understand why he wasn’t telling them to be quiet, that I was asleep. The footsteps got closer to my room. I opened my eyes to see a fireman in the living room. What the?
The gas company had changed the outside connection the previous day. It was rusted and dangerous they said. Tuesday night another guy came to light the pilot lites. While he was in the basement, he shook the pipes pretty hard. He lit the pilots and left. We found out that by shaking the pipes, he damaged the connection. We had a leak.
The firemen stayed till one, the gas guy stayed till almost four. We had to keep every windows and doors open to let the gas escape.
I saw the shrink twice since I last posted. I’ve reduced my Effexor of two doses since. Last week I felt congested, a side effect of coming off the meds. It used to only last a day, but last week it lasted about five days. This time, it seems to be ok.
She told me something I didn’t know.
Effexor is an antidepressant only up to a certain dosage. This affects the serotonin in your system. After it affects other areas. And when you take a higher dose, like 225 or 300mg it actually affects the dopamine. It becomes a stimulant. Not something you want when suffering from panic and anxiety.
So I’m now at 150mg. She wants to take me off of them. That way she’ll have a better understanding of what is really affecting me. As for the Remeron, she says it actually calms, and usually makes people drowsy. That’s why they suggest taking it before going to bed. She wants to take me off of those too.
I think it’s working. I feel more alive, more awake. Not hyper or wired. Just good. I made dinner last night, and did the dishes. I think I’m on the right track.
I also told her about my plan to fix a schedule. She thought it was a great idea. So because I wasn’t putting my plan into action, she prescribed it to me. She gave me a prescription of my schedule to do every day. I know it’s only been two days, but because she said I had to, I do it.
I still have more to tell you, I’ll keep some for tomorrow.
Have fun!?
J
Hot is out!?
It’s currently 35 degrees out, 45 with the humidity. (38 degrees equals 100 degrees) I know some of you live in those conditions, we don’t. We have winters and snow. Temperatures of -35.(-30 equals 0 degrees) We don’t have an AC unit. All the windows are closed and the blinds pulled down. Because we only have a service basement, dirt, it’s pretty cool inside. So things should be fine till temperatures drop back to normal.
I know my last post was a bit facts only. With what I’ve been told, I feel numb. Just numb. That’s how I deal with things. I just close up and think. Or don’t think. That’s pretty much what I’ve been doing. Thinking too much or not at all.
I still make lists of things to do. In the morning, I take my coffee and imagine the things I want and need to do. Then, “it’s to early. It can wait a bit. It’s too late now. Tomorrow.” And the same thing happens the next day. I know it’s no big deal not to do things right away, but… And I know it’s ok not to do everything on the list, but at least one or two.
I didn’t even take Lia to the vet yet.
Well tomorrow, I’ll try something different. I’ll get up and shower right away. Not act like it’s the week end and take it easy. The vet is there tomorrow morning. So tomorrow, at eight thirty I have to be at the vet’s office, just like I was going to work. Once that is done, I’ll just drop Lia at the house and run some errands. If I can at least keep myself busy all morning, I’ll be happy. It’ll be like half a day of work.
Saturday, me and Pascal are seeing some friends we met in Mexico. So I’ll be busy all day.
I think that’s what I’ll do. I’ll wake up every morning as if I’m going to work and just go out. Take walks to start. Once I feel better, I’ll jog. That should help, with my weight, my health and my mind. I’ll take different routes every day. That way I shouldn’t get bored. I’ll see new things and maybe meet new people. I’ll take my camera along. You never know.
I know I’ve mentioned similar things in the past, but something’s got to give or I do.
Have fun!?
J
LOL
After writing my post, I started listening to some music, this is what came on. The lyrics suit me pretty well.
Of course you have to replace her guy by panic.
Life In A!?
I’m not dead!?
True I have not written in a while. That’s because I’m not in the mood. I don’t know what to write. I don’t feel inspired, and I’m tired of talking about my panic problems.
Lia is doing fine. Her eye is ok now. She has grown so much. I’m taking her for her shots tomorrow.
The shrink I saw at the end of June told me I was suffering from panic attacks. No social anxiety. No agoraphobia. It’s all just avoidance. I avoid going out in case I suffer from a panic attack. Like I suspected, my meds are not helping my attacks. They are helping my prior personal issues. I’ve aways been a nervous guy. I was always anxious. So the meds help control some of these things.
I’m a bit mad at the fact that I took too much medicine. I paid for medication that I did not need. I’ve been left to my own devices to long.
The other shrink, she doesn’t get me. She says she has a hard time understanding why I’m not working. Why it took so long for someone to take care of my problem. Symptoms or no, I should be at work. She also doesn’t understand why I didn’t receive a full physical when all this started. She said my mentioning of my past felt like I was reciting something. I asked her if she knew how many times I had to tell my story. The fact that I’ve been suffering from mild depression for most of my life is irrelevant to her.
I really felt bad by the end of our meeting. I told her, when she asked me if I had any questions and before sending me on my way, that I’ve always felt energized after an appointment with a shrink. “Now, I feel like I’m crazy.” “I never use that word.” She said. She might not say the exact word, but she sure knows how to make you feel what she means. I told her I felt like crying. I’ve wasted all this time. I’ve closed myself up, took meds I shouldn’t have, drank to much sometimes. Felt all this depression. All for what?
Then, a tear escaped my eye. She told me she would see if she could put me in the group therapy starting at the end of August. She was also going to call the shrink I saw last December to see if he might have room for one on one therapy.
Funny how all this came about after I told her she made me feel like shit.
She was suppose to call me later that day. She called me two days later. She says the shrink from December accepted to see me because my doctor is in his district. But I don’t live in his district, so he had no room for me in any of the therapies. She finds that ridiculous, and so do I. Is that the reason why he never pushed, never offered me any help except to give me more pills?
She also doesn’t understand how come my regular doctor doesn’t follow me more closely. He should be offering me some coaching, just in regular life, and also to prepare me to go back to work. I should have appointments with him every other week during the process of my going back to work.
She said she was returning me to the shrink I saw in June as she’s going on vacation. I don’t have to tell you, I’m very happy to go back to her. I have an appointment for next Tuesday.
The insurance company is also sending someone to my house to see what will be needed for me to go back to work. I’m not sure I understand.
As you can see, I’m just about everywhere in my writing. I’m sorry, I just don’t feel like it.
I’ll give you an update by the end of next week, after my appointments.
Thanks for being there guys!?
I’m sorry.
J
But I don’t wanna!?
I know I’m repeating myself, but I’m tired of this.
Let me bring you up to speed.
I saw a general psychiatrist at the hospital. Our meeting lasted two and a half hours. And this included the thirty five minutes phone interview. I was disappointed to find out she was just a general shrink. But at least I got a second opinion. And what an opinion.
She is pissed at my other psychiatrist for leaving me on meds for so long. For not referring me to a behavior specialist when I went to see him a second time, in December. Of him saying I have social anxiety/agoraphobia. She says it’s clear I still suffer from panic attacks. My meds might help my previous little problems, like being too anxious, nervous… But they do nothing to help my attacks. And she’s right.
She had an intern with her, but he was very slow, and when she figured I had been misdiagnosed, she took over and man did things start flying and coming out. She’s good. She doesn’t want me to change my meds until I see the specialist.
That was on June nineteenth. She was transferring my file to the behavior department and was suppose to get a call “shortly”. Well I got the call yesterday. I have an appointment next Monday at one.
I took the bus to get there. Took the subway back and everything was fine.
Fifteen minutes after I got home, the insurance company called. We talked for about thirty five minutes. She will try to find me a specialist for the cognitive therapy. I told her I couldn’t afford it and that there is a long wait at the hospital. Winter 2008. She will also send an ergo specialist to fix my work station. Make sure nothing like my wrists happens again. I like her a lot more than the other girl. She seems nicer and more comprehensive.
In other news
Lia, pronounced Leeha, is doing fine. She’s grown so much since I got her. She already trained the other, older, male cats to respect her. She so funny.
The house is sold. We are meeting the new owners on July thirtieth. He should tell us about the repairs he wants to make.
As you can tell, I haven’t been in the mood to write. I haven’t even read any blogs since the end of June. It took me three weeks to move a book case from one side of my room to another. Now I still have to clean and place everything back.
Have fun!?
J
Hanging by a thread!?
when i cry, i close my eyes
and every tear falls down inside
and i pray with all my might
that i will find my heart in someone’s arms
when i cry, cry
when i cry, when i am sad
i think of every awful thing i ever did
when i cry, there is no love
no there is nothing that can comfort me enough
when i cry, cry, cry
the salt inside my body ruins everyone i come close to
my hands are barely holding up my head
i am so tired of looking at my feet
and all the secrets that i keep
my heart is barely hangin’ by a thread, hangin’ by a thread
oh look at me, at all i’ve done
i’ve lost so many things that i so dearly love
i lost my soul, i lost my pride
oh i lost any hope of having a sweet life
so i cry, cry, cry
oh the salt inside my body ruins everyone i come close to
my hands are barely holding up my head
i’m so tired of looking at my feet
all the secrets that i keep
my heart is barely hangin’ by a thread, hangin’ by a thread
i miss you all
i wish i was
with you now
i wish i was!?
J
Hitting a wall!?
In more ways then one.
Lets start with the funny one. I dreamt I was running after two cartoonish man/aliens. I caught up with one of them, he turned around and I jumped up to kick him in the face. I kicked alright, I kicked the wall, literally. I woke up with the bang and a sore toe. I’m just happy Lia sleeps at the head of the bed. Of course when my head cleared, I was laughing, alone in my bed.
Why do I react like that to those kinds of dreams? I scream, laugh, talk or kick for real. Is it because I was never able to act/react before?
The other wall I’m hitting is the wall of life.
I don’t feel things are moving along. I don’t feel better and I don’t feel like doing anything. I saw that I can take the subway without any problems, and yet I don’t go out. I don’t do anything. I got Lia, and don’t get me wrong, I love all 1.2 pound of her. But I was sort of forced to decide if I wanted a cat. In the end the decision was mine but… Do you understand? I’m not the one who went out and got a cat. It was not of my own doing. I don’t take the initiative, I have no ambitions.
I’ll be back later with a wrap up of the last two weeks.
Have fun!?
J
Would I !? 