The little engine that did?!
About eight months ago something tragic happened to me. I think you remember. It was the day the Matrix was stronger than Mr Anderson. I never thought I’d lose him so quickly. I never thought I would be the one to end his life. Don’t worry, I’m not dragging myself down, just stating the facts.
Since then, people have been asking me if and when I’ll be getting another cat. Even though my reaction to his passing was a normal one, no extra panic nor anxiety, with the condition I’m in. My worry is what if? What if it happens again. I know it was an accident, but this is where the anxiety lies. You know like when you fall off a horse, get bitten by a dog… That kind of worry.
A lot of you will tell me to get back on the horse. I find it’s easier said than done. I’ve had other kittens before. Why can’t I just see that all those lived long and happy lives? I can only concentrate on the one that turned out bad.
I wasn’t looking, nor even thinking of getting another cat. Last Wednesday I went to the pet store to buy cat food, I always go see the little guys in the back. In a big cage there were six little guys alright. Littler than should be for a pet shop. I asked the owner why they were there. He told me a guy dropped a box on the counter when he was busy with a customer. He never had a chance to look at them, the guy was gone.
All six had diarrhea. We think he gave them normal milk. He gave them pills to help and fed them kitty food. Only one of the six was still sick. He asked me if I wanted one. He usually sells them for about forty. I was stumped. I told him I had to think about it. I’d come back on Friday for more food and my answer.
Once at home, till Friday morning I was debating getting one. I’m scared and afraid the same thing will happen. Then I started thinking, I can’t just take one. At one point I was taking them all. Then I was taking none. On Friday I went to do my errands. My stomach was in knots. I wasn’t just nervous, I was anxious. I was shaking a bit. I was sweating more and more with every store I went into.
My last stop was the pet store. I went in the back. Looked at them. Took one out. She started holding on to me with her paws outstretched around my neck. She never took out her claws. Even when I put her back. All the others wanted to get out. She just sat there and looked at me.
I took her home.
Here is Lia. She’s six weeks old.
The vet says she seems fine. I just need to bring her poop for parasites. Aside from that everything is ok. She’s eating baby cat food and I give her a few ounces of a milk formula. In a few weeks she’ll be off the milk and on regular kitten food.
She is very affectionate. She purrs all the time. She runs everywhere. She plays with every toy we have for the other cats. She’s already a tease with them, rubbing herself on them and then walking away.
I’ve been nervous since I brought her home. I guess it will fade with time. Maybe when she graduates from college.
Have fun!?
J
PS: I think I got her for free because he had to take care of all six, and because he fancies me. lol He’s nice, but the feeling is not mutual.
Numb!?
DON’T WANNA HEAR THE NEWS
WHAT’S GOING ON
WHAT’S COMING THROUGH
I DON’T WANNA KNOW,DON’T WANNA KNOW
JUST WANNA HIDE AWAY
MAKE MY ESCAPE
JUST WANT THE WORLD TO LEAVE ME ALONE
FEELS LIKE
I FEEL TOO MUCH
I’VE SEEN TOO MUCH
FOR A LITTLE WHILE
I WANT TO FORGET
I WANNA BE NUMB
I DON’T WANNA FEEL THIS PAIN NO MORE
WANNA LOSE TOUCH
I JUST WANNA GO AND LOCK THE DOOR
I DON’T WANNA THINK
I DON’T WANNA FEEL NOTHING
I WANNA BE NUMB
I JUST WANNA BE, WANNA BE NUMB
CAN’T FIND NO SPACE TO BREATHE
WORLD’S CLOSING IN
RIGHT ON ME NOW
WELL THAT’S HOW IT FEELS, THAT’S HOW IT FEELS
TOO MUCH LIGHT
THERE’S TOO MUCH SOUND
WANNA TURN IT OFF
WANNA SHUT IT OUT
I NEED SOME RELIEF
THINK THAT I THINK TOO MUCH
I’VE SEEN TOO MUCH
THERE’S JUST TOO MUCH THOUGHT IN MY HEAD
I WANNA BE NUMB
I DON’T WANNA FEEL THIS PAIN NO MORE
WANNA LOSE TOUCH
I JUST WANNA GO AND LOCK THE DOOR
I DON’T WANNA THINK
I DON’T WANNA FEEL NOTHING
I WANNA BE NUMB
I JUST WANNA BE
WANNA BE
TAKE AWAY FROM ALL THE MADNESS
NEED TO ESCAPE, ESCAPE FROM THE PAIN
I’M ON THE EDGE
ABOUT TO LOSE MY MIND
FOR A LITTLE WHILE, FOR A LITTLE WHILE
I WANNA BE NUMB
I DON’T WANNA THINK
I DON’T WANNA FEEL NOTHING
I WANNA BE NUMB
I DON’T WANNA FEEL THIS PAIN NO MORE
WANNA LOSE TOUCH
I JUST WANNA GO AND LOCK THE DOOR
I DON’T WANNA THINK
I DON’T WANNA FEEL NOTHING
I WANNA BE NUMB
I JUST WANNA BE, WANNA BE NUMB
WANNA BE NUMB
ALL THE MADNESS
I WANNA BE NUMB
J
Make a wish and blow!?
What better way to start year two than how I started year one. Again, Kelly is asking people all over to post this picture for Pride month. Ours is only in July but… So go ahead and copy this picture. Post it to show your support, your strength, your humanity.
Have fun!?
Thanks for sticking with me through out my first year of blogging.
J
**Update; I have an appointment at the hospital this morning at ten. Keep you posted!?
You-mid-it-he!?
I don’t know about you, but it was sticky here today. We were fine for most of the day, then at about four o’clock it rained. Just for a few minutes. Then, all hell broke loose. It was, I think, the heaviest day we’ve had so far this year. My cat is in the tub, cause it’s cooler. Dude is in the living room, on his back, the wind of the ceiling fan airing is tummy. Only Teddy seems to be ok. I read that his breed is very affected by the cold. So I guess in this weather he’s as happy as the cat that ate the canary.
Not much as been going on with me this week. Still no word from the insurance company. She’ll try to get to my file on Friday. I’ve been six weeks without pay. Patience is wearing thin and anxiety is rising. What great help they are. No word from the hospital either. I’ve been for the most part ok, but I’m also feeling a bit blue.
OK, depressed.
So nothing, nada, zilch, zero. I would like to do things, and in my head I do them. Does that make sense? But I don’t feel like doing anything. I’m tired of all of this.
This morning I woke up nervous. By mid morning I got light headed. I sat down and relaxed, it went away. I want to know, does it ever stop? Does it ever go away for good? If it does, I can’t wait for it to go away!?
Have fun!?
J
PS, fresh cut fruits. LOL
Kissing to be clever!?
Well it had to happen. The soon to be new owner of the house called last Friday and asked to meet us last night at eight. He showed up with his wife and his ten year old kid and offered us a deal. To leave by August first and two thousand dollars.
Excuse me!?
Can you say stupid?!
I told him, I had talked to Pascal before, not unless it’s in the five digits. His wife said “well tell us a number!” He replied, “five digits means at least ten thousand.” We are not leaving. She started with, “you’ll be living in a mess during the mortar replacement and the furnace.”
I told her I heard the guy who came to give an estimate on the furnace, that for every dollar “we” spend, we loose forty five cents. So “there” is “her” two thousand. lol
I’m telling you, for a guy that is suffering from anxiety, I’m pretty proud of myself.
We pay about eight thousand in rent for a year. We have a seven and a half + parking for two cars (three tight) and a backyard + only a twenty minute ride on the subway, from door to door. Are they mad? Who would give that up for two grand? Even while they repair the brick, and the furnace. We’ll take an extra year any time.
Wouldn’t you?
Have fun!?
J
Party of five!?
A coworker invited us for dinner yesterday. She wanted to show us the condo that her and her bf bought. We met up with a girl that transferred to another office of the company.
I got there around three o’clock. Of course I had my little bout of sweat, but it only lasted about five minutes. We sat on the terrace for the remainder of the evening. Food wine and laughter were flowing very nicely. They talked about some changes and also how some things never change.
This girl is actually working in my department right now. She can’t take it anymore, she asked to be transferred. She’s been there six months. I told her, now you know why I’m crazy. She can not believe how childish the people are.
Even if we talked work for the better part of the night, I felt fine. Even a bit eager to get back. We all left around ten.
It felt good to be out and about for a bit. I can’t wait to do it again. I’m going to try to go in for a visit at work. There is also a get together for our boss. She’s retiring next year but their transferring her for the remainder of her time with us. Apparently it’s a promotion. I find it odd, but what can you do. So I’ll try to show up next Thursday and say goodbye.
Have fun!?
J
Hot for the cabbie!?
I took the subway Wednesday morning for the first time in about a month. I used to take it to go to the plastic surgeon because it was only four stops from my house. My shrink is farther, ten stops with a transfer. One of the last times I took the train, I had to get off after the transfer. I had a full blown panic attack. The last time I was sitting down. So when I felt my legs go numb, I just sat there and did some breathing exercises. I stopped taking it after that.
After my phone evaluation last week, she tells me I need to go sign a release in order for them to receive my two previous psych reports. I asked if she could fax it, she said she needed the original. Might as well have told me I had to go to the end of the world, because that’s how far the hospital seemed to me. It’s further than my shrink’s office.
So I hoped on the train. No seats were available. I kept telling myself that I wouldn’t panic. Then I started feeling all kinds of things. Always thinking panic was going to invade me. When came time to transfer, I did feel a bit light headed. The station has big enclosed spaces. I went down to the other line. I got on the train and took a seat. All the time saying I wont panic, I’m going to panic soon… Well I got to the end of the line with not even a bead of sweat.
Once outside, I couldn’t find the bus stop. I started getting anxious. Once I found it, I got anxious again because it was moved do to construction. So I went to the temporary bus stop and waited, anxiously. Once the bus got there I asked the driver and he told me it was the right bus. I sat down and relaxed.
I was in the hospital for only a minute. That’s how long it took me to find the office and sign the paper. A seventy minute subway and bus ride, for a minute. I got out and took a cab to go to a store. That was my plan. If I could make it to the hospital, I was going to a store to buy some wrapping stuff.
The cabbie started talking to me and I noticed my heart beat getting faster. Beads of sweats started trickling down my neck and forehead. I concentrated on the road and looked at the different houses. The ride was only ten minutes, but to me it felt like an eternity. I got out and breathed. I just walked around to relax, dry myself out and calm down. I went into the store and stayed in there for a good half hour. At the cash, the sweats and the shakes started again.
I was debating cabbing it to my house or take the bus. I took the bus. It took me an hour to get home, but I was fine. I even stopped at the flower market and got a few plants. I have to tell you I was tired and drained afterwards.
But I did it.
I think now it’s the scare, the bad events that happened, that I keep reminding myself. If I can pass that, I’ll be fine. As for the cab driver, I guess I’m not good at one on one yet. Or was it just too much all at once? I think it was the one on one. In the store I was fine until I faced the cashier. I’ll have to talk to the shrink about that.
Have fun!?
J
How sweat it is!?
The lowering of the meds really helped my state of mind. I ran errands here and there, no overwhelming feelings. Just the sweats. And lots of it. If it’s not symptoms of anxiety, it’s from just moving around. It’s been rainy here for a good while now. The ceiling (sky) is low. There is a hint of humidity, but a hint to me is like a sauna, almost.
I had a telephone evaluation last week. The nurse that called basically wrote my history. What happened, when, what are my expectations from the cognitive therapy. We talked for about forty five minutes. She really listened and asked a lot of questions. Her questions were really related to what I was telling her. She was good. Not just reading from a questionnaire. Now all I have to do is wait for a call to go see a second psychiatrist. At least I’ll get a second opinion out of it.
So my mind is clearer. I’m in a better mood. But I really realise now that I’m never in the mood to do anything. No ambition, no interest. Every time I start something, I lose interest very quickly. My attention span is very short. I tried reading again, I just can’t stay focus long enough to get into the story. I guess it’s better to star something than to just think about it.
Hopefully the shrink will figure something out. Or together we’ll be able to get me out of this funk. In the end, I think things are looking better.
Have fun!?
J
Two ships…
Wanna hear how fucked up I am?!
I found out last week, last minute, that Jason & Matt were coming to Montreal. Yep, last Thursday I read that they were getting into town on Saturday afternoon. I was pretty excited. Me and Jason have been emailing and chatting for the last year. He’s a great guy. I invite you to visit is blog if you haven’t already.
So like I was saying, I was pretty excited. We even talked about meeting. His email came in on Saturday, telling me he was in town and loved it so far. He asked me to call him on his cell phone. My excitement turned to anxiety. I didn’t want him to meet me like this, sick and all. That’s not me. I didn’t want him to know me this way.
Stupidest thing is, this is how he met me. But no, I just couldn’t handle it.
I finally kicked myself and left a message at the B&B they were staying at on Monday morning. I wanted us to meet for breakfast. Nobody called.
I can’t really blame him, he was probably expecting a better reception. Might have been fun to show them the town, go out. But no, I got scared. Not of them. Of nothing really.
I’m sorry guys!?
Hope you had fun!?
J
Registered I am!?
Friday morning saw me on a bus,(we did have a transit strike, but they offer limited services during the rush hours). I was on my way to register for my classes. I’m in, it’s official. I’m a student again. I start school on August 29th. Out of the thirty that were suppose to follow the course, only twenty four of us were there. This means that six that were on the waiting list can make it.
To my surprise, the price of the test the other day is deducted from the registering fee. I also had a chance to see my results. I asked for a copy, it will be mailed to me. I’ll give you the details when I get it.
The counselor said to expect one to two hours or studies a night. The teachers are as thorough as University professors. So I guess it’s out of the question for me to work five nights a week. I’ll see if unemployment can help me out.
It would seem the house is pretty much sold. From what we hear, they might move a family member on the third floor. They already got estimates to have the brick fixed. They also want to change the heaters. The plumber said for every dollar of gas we use, we loose 0.45$. So that will be a nice change.
Aside from that, it’s pretty quiet. Same old numbing self.
Have fun!?
J
Duck, duck, goose!?
I’ve been tagged by my dear friend Ric.
* List 5 reasons why you blog.
1) I started blogging with this picture. The goal was to have it posted on a hundred blogs by the end of June last year. I loved the idea this picture represents. I wanted to be part of the people that would give a chance to this ideal to be seen by as many people as possible.
2) After getting a few comments, I realised that even if I was sick and couldn’t really leave my apartment I could still reach people. So I started writing about myself and things I do. People left positive comments. Encouraging words and advice. Some related stories of things they have gone through. I started building relations with bloggers from all over. Each for their own different reasons.
3) I reached out to make friends. Although these friendships are only virtual, I consider them all my friends. Will I ever meet them? I don’t know. But I know that I can lean on them for moral support. And right now that’s what I need.
4) Although I write my ups and downs to let people know what is going on with me, it’s more for me that I write. This blog is my journal. The only difference is that it talks back to me via comments.
5) My writing used to be more elaborate. I used to talk about different ideas, different experiences. I was hoping to help others who might be living things I’ve gone through. Hoping in a sense that my life might help others. Make them understand that you can get better, and you will. But for a good while now all that concerns me is my health. I don’t seem to see, be, nothing else. I think I’m more depressed then I think I am.
* Choose your 5 ‘victims’ and tag them nicely 🙂
* Write a comment on their blog letting them know that you tagged them.
I don’t tag people. Anyone is welcome to do this MeMe.
Have fun!?
J
Hangin’ in there!?
I lowered my meds again this week. Like I had talked about with the doctor. Again, two days later I felt like a cold was coming on. But the next day I was pretty energized. Just like last time. One thing was/is different. I feel blah. I don’t know if it’s because the weather has been grey and wet for the better part of the week. Maybe I went down too fast, two doses in two weeks. It feels like I down shifted too fast.
Maybe it’s just my body trying to fool me. Or maybe it’s just a lack of habits. Not doing much since my hands have been operated. I don’t know. I’ll give it till next week. Then I’ll push myself in doing something every day.
All I wanted to do on Wednesday was go back to bed. I couldn’t because I had my first appointment with the new shrink. The behavior specialist. I felt an attack coming on on my way there. Then when I gave him a quick overview of my last year, I felt another attack. I told him so and tried to calm down for a few seconds. When the session was almost over, he told me he was glad he was able to witness the attack and my way of dealing with it. Because of my reaction, he told me we were already on step three of the behavior therapy.
Just like my regular shrink, he told me he was amazed at how much I know myself and of all the progress I’ve done on my own. I’m seeing him again on Wednesday. I hope to be feeling better by then.
I called the human resources of my company to check why I couldn’t get my vacation pay from a year ago. She told me I could. The secretary of my department told me I couldn’t. I should get it by the end of May. Had I known that a month ago, I could have avoided those interests on my fridge. Feeling better and more sure of myself, I’d bring her my bill and have her pay it.
On to other news. I’m registering for school next Friday. I really hope I feel better. I want to be able to enjoy the whole process. I know I’ll have conflicting butterflies. I’ll be exited to register, but at the same time I’ll be turning down a comfy job and a good pay. You see, I’m not sure I’ll be able to go to school full time and work evenings. I’m sure most of my problems will be gone by then, but I’m not sure I’ll be strong enough yet. I know, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. But remember I’m suffering from anxiety right now, so I think it’s also normal to worry.
And by doing this, I’m really changing the course of my life. I’m facing the unknown, new challenges.
Till next time!?
Have fun!?
J
Oh baby!?
Kicking and screaming is how I was dragged to babysit with Pascal and his mom last Saturday. Not really, but I wasn’t really in the mood. I wasn’t in the mood to do anything.
When we got there his mom looked relived. She left with the baby and left us with the six and four year old. I think she needed a break. Let me tell you, they were a handful. We babysat my niece once, five kids in all in the house, and it was less work than this last Saturday.
I think the problem is they’re too spoiled. And she watches every move they make. Leave them be, they’re kids. But no. She fusses after all of them. That’s why it’s so tirering.
So imagine me in my state of anxiety. lol But it was ok. We went to a mall first to get some stuff for the kids and I was fine. We stayed there for about six hours and I was ok the whole time.
The weather as been chilly in the mornings this week end. But nice and warm in the afternoon.
I’ve been rereading some chapters from a previous book. This was requested by my shrink. I wish I could refer the books to you, but they’re in French. After reading them again, I started some inner work on issues that prevent me from moving forward. I’ve uncovered a few things that I had forgotten.
This picture was taken a few years ago. My friend wanted a picture of her husband and their kid. I think it came out nice.
I really think I’m on the right track with the modification in my medication. I’m off to run some errands. Talk to you guys later.
Almost forgot. We had our first showing of the house Saturday. The people were discussing where their furniture would go. I guess we might have to move next year. We’ll see. I’m preparing myself.
Have fun!?
J
Goosebumps!?
As I told you, I have to use Pascal’s laptop until I get my computer fixed. I also told you it heats up. Well for the last two days I have to put “ice packs” under it in order to be able to use it.
I’m using his iPod to listen to music and I open only one application at a time so it wont heat up to quickly. Yesterday I had two little packs under it, it was fine for most of the day. This morning, because I forgot to put the ice packs in the freezer, I have to use a big one. The computer is slow. Is it because it’s warm, or is it because it’s too cold?!
You can stop laughing now!?
Now that the tears are wiped out of your eyes,
I felt really good on Tuesday. It’s such a relief to me to know that I’m lowering one of the meds. I know the other one is going up, but it’s a small dose. I know it’s all in my head, but just knowing that makes me feel better. I hope it will have the desired effects.
It’s weird how it can affect a person. I woke up in a good mood. Ate when it was time to eat. And even worked in the backyard a bit.
Wednesday was a totally different story. I felt sick. Like I had a cold. Pascal told me there is a virus running around at work. You feel like you have mono, but it’s not mono. I felt heavy, tired. I was hot, but no fever. I felt very weak. I had to eat when I was hungry. If I delayed, I started to shake. I went to bed early.
Thursday morning I was back to normal. Back to my old sick self. Having ideas, but not doing anything. I know things will change once my body will feel the changes in the medication. Today seems to be more of the same. We’ll see. I’m just glad I don’t feel sick.
On a sad note, I don’t think I’ll be doing to much cycling this summer. The doctor told me I could after the six weeks of recovery but it’s been more than that for my right hand, and it still hurts a bit if I put pressure on it. Hopefully by the end of July or the beginning of August I’ll be able to ride again.
So I’ll be back when my laptop is “cool” enough!?
You might be too busy looking elsewhere, but remember, I’ve had these pics for a while and I had to select what to put with my post. Don’t you find that the back window of the truck looks like a big rear view mirror?
OK, I’ll shut up!?
I swear, I’ll be back!?
lol
Have fun!?
J
Crescent moon?!
You are The Moon
Hope, expectation, Bright promises.
The Moon is a card of magic and mystery – when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.
The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
I guess I’m on the right track!?
Have fun!?
J
Smooth sailing!?
Where to begin?!
I forgot to mention that I finally got new clothes last Thursday. It went pretty well in the store. Maybe because I wasn’t in there long. I left with three pairs of jeans, three pairs of shorts and five t-shirts. not bad for a five minute shopping spree.
I saw my doctor yesterday. He’s a nice guy, but I can’t help think that anxiety problems are over his head. He just agreed with everything I said. So I’m lowering one medication and adding an extra dose of the other. I’ll see him in a month and then we’ll talk about going back to work. If I still don’t feel good, it’s another trip to the psychiatrist.
I asked him to recommend me a behavior psychologist, he told me to call the association. Why can’t doctors refer other doctors? And is it normal for him not to talk to my shrink? He never disagrees with anything I tell him. I could tell him anything, pretend my shrink said so and he would accept it. Is it just me?
Still, I’m glad I’m lowering one med. To me it feels like a step forward. Hopefully my mind will agree. I’m pretty sure it’s too high and it’s dampening my mood. The dosage I was thinking is the dosage he mentioned. I think it’s a good sign.
The house where we’re renting is up for sale. Our plans to renovate the kitchen are on hold until we know what’s happening. Since we’re renting the ground floor, there is a good chance we’ll have to move next year.
The agent dropped by yesterday to take pictures. He says he’s sure it will be an investor who will buy the house and won’t kick us out. We’ll see. He was amazed at the work that we’ve done. He loved the landscaping. He also liked what we’ve done to the bathroom. He says he’ll tell the buyers that we’re very handy and are ready to do some work to our apartment. All they would have to do is give us the material.
What’s good is, he’ll make the current owner fix a few things. She never wanted to do it when we asked her. But now she won’t have a choice. He seemed like a nice guy. But I can’t shake the “car salesman” vibe I kept getting from him. He wants me to put in an offer on the house. But with all the major work that needs to be done, she is asking way to much. Besides, with my being sick for the last year, my finances are suffering right now.
So we might wait until January to do our renovations.
Aside from the house, things are really going well. I don’t know if the lowering of the meds is all in my head, but I really have a good feeling about it. I’ll know in a few weeks.
It’s going to be a great day to be outside today. I’ll clean the yards and flower boxes. I wish I could go for a bike ride.
Have fun!?
J
Turn your head to the side and cough!?
I saw my shrink Thursday. A few things got cleared. As I was recounting my visit to the plastic surgeon it came to me. The doctor assumed. See, my first hand was only a small cut. So a week is probably enough for the scar to heal and be solid. The second hand, for some reason, was a longer scar. Longer means more fragile, hence the two weeks of healing.
He didn’t remember that he made a small cut on the first hand. And as much as I assumed the treatment was the same, he assumed I knew it was a different treatment. And like my shrink said, because I kept telling him it’s not what we did for the first hand, I made him realise that he had made a mistake in not telling me the procedure for the second hand. I made him lose face and he didn’t like it. That’s what happens when you try to squeeze in too many patients in a day.
We also discussed the symptoms I still have when I run errands. The fact that I will take the subway to go see the plastic surgeon but I wont take it to go see him. The fact that I feel overwhelmed when I enter a big open space.
All this, he says are signs of social anxiety. I’ll ask my doctor to go back to see the psychiatrist, see a behavior specialist and maybe up my Xanax dosage. Or at least take one before going out.
Because of this, it wouldn’t do me much good to go work at the plant market right now. Maybe once I start working on the problem.
He’s a “humanist” shrink. For some reason I didn’t think there were differences. He told me that that side of me is doing very well. I’m dealing with all this better than anyone he’s ever seen. My mind is still sharp. And I make clear, good decisions. He also says that I analyse myself pretty well.
So aside from not being able to live in society, I’m fine. Ain’t it funny that some people are not fine and still live in our society? They should be locked up. But “I” lock myself up.
Have fun!?
J
I made it!?
I went to see the plastic surgeon yesterday. Here’s another professional that managed to disappoint me. Let me give you a recap of the previous operation. I saw him on a Wednesday. He operated my hand the following Tuesday. Told me to change the bandages on Saturday and that I would see him the following Wednesday to remove the stitches. When he removed them he put a band-aid on it and told me to start doing normal “house” things, which I did.
Well yesterday when he saw me he asked when had we done the second surgery. I told him last week. He started telling me that we usually wait two weeks before removing stitches. I told him that’s not what we had done with the other hand. A bit pissed he asked me what I wanted him to do. I told him to remove them. He put a band-aid on it and told me to try not to use my hand for another week because the scar could reopen. He freaked me out so much that on top of the band-aid I wear my brace just to make sure.
Then I asked him for a paper to give to the insurance company. Like last time. He takes me out of the office. Asks his secretary for a paper. Signs it and calls his next patient. He was on his way when I said “well if that’s it, thank you and goodbye.” He turned and said ” aaaa yeah bye.” So I turned back to the secretary and told her the date of return should be June fourth. She didn’t check anything. I could have given her any date. He didn’t give her any information. While filling out the paper she asks me if he told me there was a fee of fifteen dollars for the paper. I told her he didn’t charge me last time. Do you think it’s because he was pissed that I had to pay fifteen dollars?
So right hand:
2 stitches, removed the following week. Start using hand right away and gives me paper for the insurance.
Left hand:
3 stitches, suppose to be removed two weeks later. Still removes them and says not to use for another week. Charges me 15$ for insurance paper.
I feel like I’ve been operated on by two different doctors.
On a happier note, I got my acceptance letter from the school. I’M IN!? I have to go sign up on May twenty fifth.
I made it!? I couldn’t believe it when I read the letter. At first when I saw it, I said to myself, “it’s pretty thin for an acceptance letter.” But I’m in!? This means that even with my anxiety I was able to beat at least ten people. We were forty doing the test and they only have thirty places to fill.
I wonder if they’ll give us our results. I know it was a personality test, but still.
I’m so happy!?
Have fun!?
J
2 down, 1 to go!?
I changed my bandages on Saturday. I was surprised and disappointed to see three stitches instead of two. This means he made a bigger opening. A bigger scar. Two of those three stitches were no longer tied. I could see the knots, but not the thread across the scar. It’s healed pretty well, so I didn’t rush to the clinic. I replaced the bandages and put the brace I had from before, for support and protection. It should be fine till tomorrow when I go see the doctor.
We watched The Queen Saturday night. It’s eerie how Helen Mirren and Michael Sheen look like the real thing. I liked it. Not sure it was one of the best movies of the year, but…
Have fun!?
J
The Way Things Are Going!?
I know it’s not my way to start with text, but I want you to know, what you will read is not meant to be blue or dark. I’m just stating the obvious to myself and I have to learn to live with it. The lyrics are from a Jann Arden song, I changed good girl for boy. I’m trying to find a way to put the songs with the picture in a PowerPoint. I could do it on UTube but it would get removed. Believe me, I still feel good, great even.
i used to think that i was a good boy
i used to think that the world was fair
things have gone just a little bit crazy
don’t think i belong anywhere
i’m not so sure, i don’t think i know
and i’m not afraid to tell you
i’m a little bit scared
the way things are going
i’m never gonna get there
no the way things are going
i’m never gonna get there
i used to think that i was a dreamer
i used to have my head in the clouds
lately life’s been nothing
but a nightmare
the world keeps turning around
and around
the world keeps turning around
and around
the world keeps turning around
and around
i feel so close, i don’t think i know
and it’s hard for me to tell you,
it’s a little bit weird
the way things are going
i’m never gonna get there
no the way things are going
i’m never gonna get there
i used to think that i was a dreamer
i’m never gonna get there
no the way things are going
i’m never gonna get there
i used to be a good boy
i used to be a good boy
i used to be a good boy
i used to be a good boy
Thanks JA
Have fun!?
J
Lapping it up!?
Well the laptop seems to work. The problem it has is that it heats up, the fan is underneath and usually shuts down. I’ve put a pack of cigarettes under the front. It’s now at an angle and seems to be getting enough air.
Question, do I have to tip it if I look at educational videos? lol
The hand is doing fine. The scar was burning yesterday. The fingers were swollen and stiff with a bit of internal bleeding last night. I over did it. I used my hand for things that I thought were just small movements, but I guess it was still too soon. This morning, the swelling went down and the bleeding is almost gone. It will stay stuck to my chest all day today. I won’t use it for anything.
On to other news: (yes, I said other news) lol
Electricians were here yesterday to change the fuse box.(yes we were still on fuses and not breakers) Is that what killed my computer? Could be. I did turn it off before they cut off the power. Around three thirty they turned it on and off a few dozen times. Maybe that’s what did it.
This morning I read my blogroll, as usual, and noticed that a lot of people don’t write when they have stuff going on in their lives. I’m the opposite. I won’t write if there is nothing new.
Well I came upon Urspo’s post about what he reads every week. I also read the comments about how he should read trash magazines in order to know what is the drug of the day and which rehab centers really work. He’s a doctor. And then I came upon Torn’s post about dreams. How people don’t care about your dreams. The ones in your sleep, not the ones you aspire to.
Somewhere in my mind these two posts are linked. Or at the very least they both triggered something in me. Try to follow or understand my train of thought.
I don’t read magazines anymore. I don’t read news papers. I don’t watch the news. (I do get glimpses when I’m channel surfing, and that is already too much) I don’t care what so and so did or is wearing, getting divorced and so on. I don’t care what a crazy guy used to kill people somewhere in the States. I don’t want to see his last moments on earth or hear what he said. Police and doctors should study that. Not the general public. That they showed his face is one thing, parents needed to put a face to the killer. The parents. Not the general public.
Like what the radio guy said on the air, was it radio or TV? O made a two part series on the subject. I admit, I did watch it. The blame flew from rappers to parents to women and men and lets not forget video games. Well everybody is to blame.
Yes parents should care more about their kids interests. But companies use that to make money. Singers use language, verbal and body to make money. They instill “dreams” that most consider reality. Rappers can sing what they want, but they know who their audience is, usually teens and preteens. They hear strong words and see strong images.
Kids want to emulate them. Who doesn’t remember, how many kids tried to jump off the roof of their house to fly like Superman?
I feel that rappers are talking about a world that is not real. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s real. What I mean is it was created. It was made real. By whom? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is they’re feeding it and keeping it alive. Don’t tell me that the new little twelve year old sensation that is at the top of the charts lived all he’s singing about. What about the guy that won R&B something of the year? He had two five year olds dancing on stage with him. They don’t know about that life. They might be affected by it, single parent, drugs in the house. But they don’t have all the big picture.
And I’m sorry but, THAT is R&B? I had to say it!?
Instead of paying a kid to sing and show those words, why not pay him to go to school? Instead they’re paid ridiculous amounts of money, which is not reality. (Nobody at fifteen should be able to retire.) They get an “entourage”, usually dress in clothes that look borrowed from their big brother, in or out of jail. They start trends with made up words, or accept bad language as their “lingo”.
All fake.
And I’m not just pointing rappers, Britney for example is no better. Her clothes, lyrics and dance moves do the same thing.
What I’m saying is everybody should take responsibility for the world we live in.
Take last night for instance. “Idol gives back”. For some reason I felt it was a scam. We saw them in Africa and in bad neighborhoods saying “this shouldn’t be”, “How disgusting” and so on. And then we see them sitting there with their 30 000 000$ contracts and limousines and big hotel suites. What a bowl of crock.
Why are fund raisers always aimed at the little people?
Why do we pay actors, singers, ball players so much money?
Do we ever here about a play braking the bank over the long week end? To me those actors deserve more money than say Julia or Brad who only had to do it once. Actors in plays do it every day. Now that’s work.
Why pay a guy to play ball? The best games I’ve seen were at the park here down the street. They’re not paid. They have day jobs. Why not the big stars?
Look at all the madness about the baby who lost her mom. The Birdhead guy, (I know it’s not his name) came out of the courthouse as if he had won the lottery. Arms in the air with a look of victory on his face. And the grand mother? It was recorded that the mother did not want her to see or have the baby. So what gives? And who should care. Just the people affected by this event. That’s all.
The mother is still warm and already there is a movie in the making about her life. Why? She was just a model. She was considered a “plus size” when her Guess jeans ads came out. Aside from two big pluses, she was normal. Why not call the “real” models minuses instead.
I guess I’ll stop here for now.
All I’m saying is, a shooter, a guy with a big mouth and a guy that can’t go back to work all have one thing in common, we’re affected by the world. We react to the fake world that has been created. I’m glad to be one that doesn’t fit the mold.
Is it reality or is it my dream?!
Think about it!?
Have fun!?
J
PS As usual I’m all over the place, it’s good to be back!?
PC death!?
My partner died today!?
No more music. No more sharing of your blogs. No more pics for the blog.
And no Lemuel, no more educational videos.
I’m trying to use Pascal’s laptop but it’s also busted!?
I’ll try to read emails once a day but…
Till then,
Have fun!?
J
Better Days!?
I used to sit and wonder
Would I ever be happy
Life was so bittersweet
So many disappointments
Too many ups and downs for me
When you live a nightmare
It’s hard to dream
But sometimes life just isn’t fair
So why complain nobody cares
And I don’t wanna waste nobody’s time
So I’m
I’m about to change my vibe
Today the sun’s gonna shine
Cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold’s off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days
Afraid of my reflection
Tell me that’s not me I see
That’s who I want to be
Stuck somewhere in the middle
On half full or half empty
Wait for somebody to come and rescue me
Can’t let that petty attitude
Start to jade my point of view
Only thing that does is bring me down
So I’m
I’m about to change my vibe
Today the sun’s gonna shine
Cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold’s off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days
Hurt so many times before
I used to cry but no more
Just let it go and life can feel
So good
Stop livin the blues
Can’t let that petty attitude
Start to jade my point of view
The only thing that does is bring me down
So I’m
I’m about to change my vibe
Today the sun’s gonna shine
Cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold’s off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days
JJ
Have fun!?
J
Time to make the left right!?
For the second time in less then two months, I’ll be white trailer trash!? I’ll be wearing sweat pants and typing with one hand for the next week!? I hope it turns out as good as the first time!?
I’ll post a pic of both hands when I remove the bandages.
Till then, have fun!?
J
Would I !? 