Breaking news: Canadians can tan…again!?
It seems that spring as sprung. The birds are chirping. The trees are budding. Flowers are starting to break ground. I actually broke a sweat yesterday. It wont be long now, the gray of winter will be colored by the rainbow of summer.
Now for a few updates:
I took a personality test for my course. I did pretty well. I was shaking like Mohamed Ali at first but I took control and everything was fine after. I’ll get the results in about two weeks.
I saw my plastic surgeon for my hand. He’s very pleased with my progress. I’m going in next Tuesday for the left hand.
I got word from work that I would not be on the front lines when I get back. I’m happy about that. It’ll be an even smoother progression.
My head is full of ideas and things I’d like to do, but I’m not in the mood to do any of them. The joys of depression. I know, I just have to push myself a little.
I’d like to talk about my last post. I know it sounded lost and confused. I want you to know, I wasn’t blue per say. I didn’t think the world was a black hole. Let me try to explain.
For a long time I felt like I was twelve years old, barely surviving and a bystander of life. Four years ago when I started deconstructing my life, I could feel myself grow, mature. I was about seventeen. Last year I guess I pulled one to many blocks from my Jenga tower, everything fell apart.
I had been building this fortress since I was about nine or ten, maybe even before that. But now that it’s been broken down, where does that leave me? A preteen in a thirty-eight year old body? A seventeen year old? A merge of all three? That’s why I feel lost. If I search myself right now, I can’t see nor feel an age. Sometimes I feel the little kid resurfacing, sometimes it’s the teenager.
I’ve also been wearing masks for all of my life. From four to twenty-six I was a liar, a pretender and a defender. After coming out, I was either his son or his boyfriend. I never felt me. I guess I started looking and wanted to be me in my early thirty’s.
Now I don’t feel I’m the anything of anybody. It feels good but also weird.
Thank you guys for your comments last time. They mean a lot.
I guess I’ll just take it as it comes now and see what logs from my former tower will comeback to rebuild a new, and hopefully a stronger tower!?
Have fun!?
J
Looking for it!?
I’ve been feeling lost lately. I told my shrink I don’t know who I am anymore.
I had been working on myself for three years before I suffered my panic attacks. I have been shedding layers upon layers of problems and issues. That’s all well and good but some of them were so deep and go so far back that now I feel a lot is missing from my life.
I think it’s normal to lose a few rungs in the ladder of life when you take care of problems. But when these rungs remove sections in the past and also in the future, how do I keep going?
It’s as if the mask that got me here has now fallen. If I look back I don’t see how I got here and I don’t know where here is. I don’t know what to do here. I feel like my life as been steered in the wrong direction. What do I do? Do I go back to the turning point or do I just make a right and hope to cross the path of where my life should be?
I don’t feel like I have purpose. No meaning. No direction.
Where do I go from here?!
J
He’s got legs!?
I’m starting to feel like the Energizer bunny, I keep going and going. After my post Friday, I ran a few errands. Everything was fine except for one thing. Because of the chilly weather, I had on my winter coat. I started getting warm, really warm. The more I shopped, the sweatier I got.
I wasn’t able to do all my shopping that day. The last store I went into, I felt really weak and dizzy. As soon as I got out of there I opened my coat to let the cold air in. I’m surprised I didn’t get sick at all this year. Once I got home, I had to change because my clothes were soaked.
I know why I was like that. Not because of anxiety, but because the load was too heavy. My backpack was full and I had bags in each hand. I was weak from exertion. I don’t have any resistance anymore. I have to mind that and be more careful. Also that I’m so warm all the time and I kept going in and out of stores didn’t help. I have to dress in layers and remove some when I’m stating to feel warmer.
Aside from that, which lasted a few hours, I was fine. Still this morning I have no fears or anxiety.
With all this walking, I realised that my legs don’t hurt me anymore. All the ankle and leg pains are gone.
I have some errands to run this afternoon. I’ll make sure to be able to remove some layers. I’ll take it slower in between stores, making sure I’m not getting warmer. And I’ll make more trips instead of loading myself like a mule.
I didn’t do anything for Easter. Pascal SIL invited me, but I didn’t want to over do it. Just being in a strangers house is stress enough. The fact that they have three kids doesn’t help. And I don’t really care for Pascal’s brother. So I figured the best thing was just to stay home. There’ll be other opportunities for me to see them.
So things are looking good. I think I’m really on my way. Not that I want to, but I know I can get some set backs. That’s ok, I’m ready for them. I just don’t want to stay in a rut for too long when they happen. Till then I’ll enjoy and gain strength, a little at a time. I know, baby steps.
Have fun!?
J
Good Friday!?
It actually is!? In more ways than one!?
My shrink can not believe the amount of work I do on myself. He didn’t say, but I could see it on the tip of his brain,”why do you need me?” I need to bounce my ideas on someone. Someone who’s objective. I told him about the book on tape, he’s glad to see my initiative, but to listen to it three times, and one of those times in my sleep. I have to let my brain rest, he said.
I told him how movies were affecting me. He thinks it’s a medication thing. I think it has more to do with my not being 100% yet. He agrees I should do something with my time and that the flower market is a good idea.
When I told him I couldn’t believe it’s taking me more then a year to recover, he jumped and said,”it didn’t take you a year. Remember how stressed the insurance woman made you feel? I see a lot of people getting worst because of their nagging.” He’s right. She’s left me alone now only because of my carpal tunnel situation. We’ll see how it goes in a few weeks when I have to talk to her again regarding my left hand.
I took the bus back home, happy and feeling good. But this trip back was more pensive. I’m usually relaxed when I leave his office. Probably because I was going to the session. I ran a few errands and went home. Rested a bit and made dinner. I was debating if I should go or not. I didn’t want to go anymore. But I did. Well sort of.
I walked to the subway station. Stood there trying to convince myself to go in and that everything would be fine. I went in after ten minutes. When I got off at my stop, I was pretty sweaty. Signs of anxiety. There was no bus for the next half hour. So I had to take a cab or be very late. It took a long time before I could find one.
Once I got there, I went into the long glass hallway, past the security post, saw the glass doors, but no wooden bench. Could she have meant those picnic tables, OUT SIDE? It was chilly yesterday. Cold if there was wind. So I waited close by looking like someone searching. I was actually searching, searching for her. Well she was a no show. I left ten minutes after the session was suppose to have started. I walked back from there to the subway station. Why? The buses are every half hour on that route. And I wanted to see if I could have been at the wrong place. I wasn’t.
I got home frozen and my body ached. You have to realise that I’ve been keeping myself in the house for a long time. And I calculated I walked for about two hours. Ho did my body ache. Still does this morning, but a lot less than I thought it was going to.
As I walked, looking at the familiar streets and buildings, the cars, the people. The stores that almost charge you just to look in their windows, you know the ones that will sell a t-shirt for a hundred bucks? I realized, I don’t belong here anymore. I didn’t feel lost or out of place, just that it’s not me anymore. As much as Downtown has been my life for so long, it’s not anymore.
You might say, “you haven’t been there in such a long time, that’s just why you felt out of place.” Could be true, but last year I almost bought a house in the suburbs. People told me I’d regret it. Far from Downtown… Now I see that I wouldn’t have regretted it.
So like I told you, this morning, OUCH!? But that’s all I feel. Nothing else. No highs, no lows!? I feel like I’m not sick anymore. Don’t worry, it’s only a feeling, I know. But I don’t feel lightheaded. I don’t have any scary thoughts. No little voice in my head nagging me, reminding me that I’m not ok.
I think my “back wheeles” are slowly moving out of the mud pit.
Have fun!?
J
I cracked!?
Cracked, slipped, fell off the wagon. Call it what you will, but I’ve been drinking for the last four days. I’m fine now. I woke up this morning and knew it was different today.
I guess all the worries about money, work, health, job and school had their toll on me. I know it’s not good to drink with the medication, it lessens the effects. But it was nice, not thinking for a while. I’m back to reality now. I’ll try my best not to let it get to me.
I even missed the information session about cognitive therapy. I called back today and there is another session tomorrow night. So I’ll see my shrink in the morning and I’ll start this new treatment after. Maybe he can ease me into it.
I’m tired!?
Have fun!?
J
Just for now!?
Well I did it!?
I signed up for school. I have to take an exam on April fourteen. If everything goes well I’ll start school August twenty-eight.
I have an information session Friday morning for cognitive therapy. If everything goes well there, I should start next Tuesday.
I’ve been given a book on CD called “The power of NOW.” It’s pretty good. It helps to concentrate on the here and now. I don’t know if it’s good for me but, when I listened to it and did the exercises on Tuesday it drained me. I made it play while I went to sleep on Tuesday night. I listened to it again late Wednesday morning and felt stressed.
Too much to soon?! It’s really just to concentrate on the NOW. If I’m ok NOW. Really listen, see, feel, experience my suroundings. It’s really just to think of one thing. The thing that is NOW. It’s to help stop thinking all the time. It helps with taking back control of the mind. Being able to turn it off.
It talks about being in the moment.
I guess when you’re not used to meditating… Also, if I’m on my way to take back control, maybe there is a part of me that’s scared. I don’t think that part is a healthy part.
Have fun!?
J
Happy anxiety day to me!?
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around my problems for a year now. Today marks the first year of my big panic attack. I never thought it would have lasted this long. What’s happened to me since? I went from a headstrong go getter kind of guy to this child that is afraid of almost everything.
Most of the time I think I’ll never get better. I just don’t feel it. I don’t see it. Why do I lose all my senses? I mean whether it be a funny or horror movie, taking the subway, going back to work. I just go into overload and can barely control myself. I start freaking out. I get very tired. I just want to go to bed.
Emotions?! Perceptions!? Energy!?
Is that what it is?! Is that all it is?!
If so, how do I replenish myself? How do I know what will be OK for me? I mean, just a cute little romantic comedy and I lose it. So how?
I’m still too weak?
I sleep my eight hours a day. Sometimes I even take a nap in the afternoon.
This might sound funny, but could I have a leak? Could there be something that just eats at my energy without me knowing it? Something that might run 24/7 and just burns off parts of my reserves and that’s why I never seem to have enough?
As for perceptions and emotions, I know I have to re-educate myself to think differently. How do I do that? It’s easy to say, don’t think about it until it happens and then go through the motions and analyze your real feelings, your emotions. Re-direct them if they’re going in the wrong direction.
Breakdown the images of what my emotions/perceptions have created. Deal with one issue at a time.
Easier said than done!?
Is cognitive therapy the answer?! Hypnosis?!
I just can’t believe I’m still here!?
I’m not even sure where here is!?
I just have no clue!?
Have fun!?
J
Can you spare a dime?!
I think the financial gods were after me yesterday. I realised I had to buy my medication this week. So I didn’t buy my Jann Arden ticket. No biggie. I’ll go when I get my refund. There should be some left. After all she’s not Madonna.
Yesterday morning I realised that we were missing a few things to eat. OK I thought. I’ll use the money I have and buy my medication on Friday when my insurance check comes in. I have enough till then.
I get the mail, and I receive the bill stating that my fridge needs to be paid in full next month. Great!? If not, they’ll add about 600$ in interests.
Then I get a call from the insurance saying I’ll soon be on long therm disability and my weekly check will be monthly and smaller. A lot smaller. She’s mailing me the paper work that I need to fill. My doctor also has to fill a part of it. There goes another 30 or 60$
Pascal then comes home for lunch. I asked him to buy the software to do the taxes. He got one that costs 10$ more then the one I asked. OK!?
So I start doing my taxes. I have a weird paper from the insurance company. I’m suppose to enter a number in box 28, but in the software, box 28 is only text. I have to select from four different choices. Of course they don’t apply.
So I decide to keep going anyways.
After I was done, I was getting a 1500$ refund. Woo Hoo!? But that can’t be. So I keep trying to put that weird number somewhere. I never filled out box 28 but the amount appeared on the right line. So I refresh my results, I owe 2100$ to one government and 1500$ to the other.
Don’t we just love the government!? And the company for not taking off enough when you’re on disability
And if that’s not enough, I am losing weight, just not fast enough to get back into my old clothes. So I’ll need new clothes to go to work. We have to be in dress pants and a nice top. Casual without it being too casual. I also have to take the cat to the vet next month. Another 100$.
So, our phone lines are open. Please give generously. We accept cash, checks and money orders. Call toll free at 1-800-aint-2-proud-2-beg.
If you know where he is, tell him I need a bag or two.
In the mean time, I’ll go sell our empty bottles!? I should have enough to buy a rope to hang myself. lol
Have fun!?
J
PS: sorry Jann!? It’ll be for next time.
Hands in my pockets!?
I guess I’ve been in my own world this week. I feel like I’m on idle. Not happy, not sad. Just there and watching the world go by. I barely feel any emotions. I don’t know if it’s a passing thing or if the pills are numbing me.
My hand feels fine. It does hurt inside from time to time. It also hurts depending the use I do of it. My fingers are getting stronger. The hand itself is still a bit weak. I’m sure it’ll all be fine in a week or two. The skin is drying and falling off all around the area where the surgery was done. I think it’s good. Cause that means it will all be new skin. Probably no scar. My left hand is getting worse. I’m still using it more than my right, but it gets numb as soon as I use it.
I’m still planning my going back to school. At first I was thinking of starting in April, but I found the same course is given by the school board in my city. So I’ll wait till August and go closer to home. I’ll be able to ride my bike and the bus pass will be cheaper also. Parts of it will be given in class, other parts at the botanical garden and parts in one of the major parks here in Montreal.
There’s an information session next week. I’m sure it’ll be interesting. The guy I spoke to seemed very nice.
I saw my shrink yesterday. He was pleasantly surprise of my decision to go back to school. Even more so when I told him it was full time. I told him if it hadn’t been for my situation, I would never have done it. I would never have been able to see that I can still “function” with less money. I admit it will be tight but it’ll work. I just don’t know what they’ll say about it at work.
As for work, I’m planning on going back progressively at the end of May or beginning of June. It’ll slowly progress to full time somewhere in July. So parts of July and August will be full time. Five days a week. I’ll take some vacation time the week before class starts. And I’ll work week ends after that. If they accept. If not, I’ll look for something else but I’ll also have unemployment checks coming in. We’ll see when the time comes.
The weather up until today has been great. Today is another story. We went from sunny warm days to cloudy very cold days. I hope it won’t last to long.
So I’m off in this cold to get a ticket to see my full time shrink on stage. Yep, Jann Arden is coming to town next month. I can’t wait to have a live dose of her again. This will be my third time. As usual I’m going alone. This is by choice. For some reason I can only enjoy her presence, her magic, when I’m alone.
So I’m fine, I just feel like I’m on one of those electric sidewalks at the aeroport. I move forward, but very slowly.
Until next time.
Have fun!?
J
Stitched no more!?
I went for my follow up with the plastic surgeon yesterday. Aside from some swelling, everything is looking good. I have an appointment to see him in April, and if my hand has recovered enough strength he’ll operate the left one.
I only have a band-aid on the scar now. I have to keep it covered for a week or so. He told me to do “normal” movements to exercise it. I can hold my cup of coffee for a sip or two but then my hand bends downward. Weird to see I have trouble holding a cup of coffee.
Something as been happening to me this week. I felt groggy all week end. Not blue, just slow. I’ve been listening to Jann Arden for the last few days. After writing my last post, which was not meant to be dark or down, just a recap of what’s been happening to me. I rediscovered a song of Jann.
This song is ment for a lover, but I heard it and everything fell into place. I think my innerchild that had been scared and was protecting me all these years, either died or left me. That’s why I’ve been sort of scared of life. I feel I’ve been reborn and have to learn to live. Without his protection.
Let me tell you why I think so. I have never been able to swallow pills. I’d chewed or opened them in a bit of orange juice. On March 29 of last year when the doctor said I was suffering from attacks, I took those pills without thinking and swallowed them. Been doing it ever since without a second thought. I had trouble keeping my head under water in the shower. I’d feel panic every time. Not anymore. I could never sleep with my feet hanging off the bed. Afraid someone or something would grab them. Not anymore. Yesterday, my dad was on the corner of where my doctor’s office is. I saw the truck. I saw him and just went in. Nothing happened. No panic no feelings of anxiety. Nothing. I figure the universe put him there to show me I was fine. One of my biggest worry was that I’d become homeless. That feeling is gone. I had eczema on my left foot, it’s also gone. I’ve always been afraid to get robbed. Not anymore. I would always picture accidents even if the cars almost hit but didn’t. Not anymore. My penmanship has improved. My writing has improved. Almost no vocabulary errors anymore. I started reading again.
I think that’s it. lol
If you read the lyrics and think of a scared innerchild and all the beliefs this child can have, you’ll understand why I relate my situation to this song. It’s been a year. I’m still recovering. Life is getting better. Almost no symptoms. Only when it comes to work do I have the feelings. That to me says I’m not doing what I want to do. What I should be doing. Ever since I found that course that I want to take, I just feel good about it. I don’t know how I’ll manage it yet, but I will.
So read on.
When you left me I was inside
Of my head for a year
All the memories that were broken
Deeply buried there
Was my heart lost in the chaos
Never to be found
When you left me I got older
I had all but died
I was weak and out of breath
I could not read at night
How you kissed me burned into my skin
Every moment worlds were crumbling in
I can still hear every whisper
I can taste your lips
Just your heartbeat and I quiver
I can picture this
All the colours bleeding from the page
Just like water pouring down my face
When you left me nothing mattered
All my life undone
Only stillness only quiet
Not one ray of sun
When you left me
When you left me
When you left me
When you left me
When you left me
When you left me
To me, all of it makes sense. I’m not worried anymore.
Have fun!?
J
I’m in stitches!?
Well here it is. Sorry about the quality of the pic, I took it myself.
It really doesn’t hurt. It’s still sensitive if I move certain ways, but that’s to be expected. I keep it wrapped up still. I do remove the bandages from time to time to let it breath. When I do, I don’t do anything. Just in case I forget about it and use my hand. Don’t want to rip it open.
The next part might be repetitive for some, but I feel the need to do a retrospect for myself.
I saw my shrink last week. I asked him where the attacks came from. Why panic and anxiety? Am I suffering from a burnout? And how can I “fix” this?
He was surprised when I asked him, I need to ask him why he was surprised. Here’s what he told me.
I didn’t suffer a burnout. I suffer from severe depression. The attacks occur when my system is asking for more energy than my body has in reserve. Everything we do requires strength and energy from our body. There are different levels of stress. There’s also positive and negative stress. And from what I’ve observed, after a certain level, either positive or negative, I go into overload.
It might sound weird, but that’s where I am. I’m so depleted. I have to recharge.
From what I gather, after reading a book called Feeling Good, from Doctor David D. Burns, and doing some of the tests in there. I’ve been running on empty for a long time*, suffering from mild chronic depression. *probably most of my life
I didn’t ask him what to do. For some reason I didn’t feel the need to ask him. My body is just like a machine. All I need to do now is see what can make my motor purr like a kitten and roar like a lion when needed.
What makes us feel good? Air, water, rest, good food, sunlight, exercise, human contact, dialogue, laughter, love, both fraternal and carnal, spirituality, positivism, cleaning house, both mental and physical.
Now I know all that. I go over the list in my head every day. Do I have all that? No. Do I do all that? No. I think I might be a bit scared. Afraid it might ask to much out of me. My body itself might not be ready. Who knows. I will push myself a little to try and motivate some willingness to do some of those things, but I won’t force myself. I figure I’ll get up and walk when I’m good and ready.
As for not thinking negatively, that’s something I can’t do. Two things, weight and money.
(My hands aren’t an issue anymore. I see that I can live through the operation, and relief is close by regarding my left hand. So no more worries there.)
I gained so much weight that my clothes don’t fit me anymore. It’s not just tight, it don’t fit. I could live with the weight for a while, but I need new clothes, to live and go to work. Right now I have a pair of jeans from a thrift store and a pair of sweat pants. My T-shirts, I’ve stretched. How can I be expected to go back to work when I don’t have any money to buy new clothes?
I am officially broke. I’m living pay check to pay check now. My savings account is empty. I sold all the pension reserves I could sell. I’m waiting for my insurance refund from my last shrink appointment before going back cause I don’t have anymore money.
The insurance deposits money into my account on Friday morning and soon after it’s all gone. If it’s not rent, it’s bills, food, bank loan, credit card, thank god I only have one.
As for work, I know I can’t go back. I’m as sure about this as I’m sure I don’t need to drink anymore. I would need to be drugged to the level of a zombie in order to go back there. Why? I take my work to much to heart. I hate slackers. I hate unfairness. I hate hypocrites.
My ex-boss used to take me into her office only when there was something wrong. Last year she gave me my stats for January and said I was spending too much time off the phone. And this, even is she knows people come to me with questions. Even if I was asked to deal with problems that required my complete attention. Well the following month when she gave me my stats, I hurried to check and I had cut my time in half. She never mentioned anything. I looked at her and patted myself on the back, literally, and said good job. She just walked away.
She made a big case out of something an employee, that we all consider to be crazy, said and made me the bad guy. I had three meetings regarding this incident. I swear I was affraid of that person after. And the list goes on like that, as far back as when I started there seven years ago.
So even if she’s not my boss anymore, that also is not sure yet, makes it impossible for me to go back.
I know some of it is my own doing. But we’re a small team in a big company. Everybody should pull their own weight, not be on the internet all day, or chat between calls. People higher up know about this and don’t do anything about it. So why should I? Because it’s the rest of us that pick up the slack.
Why is it that I have to show how to do something to someone that’s been there since the project started? That just blows my mind.
Am I an over achiever? Am I a perfectionist? No. I don’t think so. When there’s work to be done, just do it. And do it well. If older employees still need instructions, it’s because they don’t want to learn. They count on others to do the work for them or count on others knowledge in order to do their work.
I’m also tired of doing the type of work I’m doing. I need a change. I’ve tried sending my résumé for other jobs, but I’ve been doing the same kind of work for so long that I feel typecast. People always say I’m only qualified for that kind of work. Even if I tell them I’m ready for something new.
What kills me is, if I could learn to live with it, that I’m pretty much set for life. All I have to do is do what is expected of me and I’ll get a raise every year, bonuses every year, pretty good benefits. All this up until I retire. But I just can’t.
So I want to go back to school. I want to learn a new trade.
For that I need money. Again it’s something I don’t have. So I have to work and go to school. I want to work, but it’s not with a week end job that I’ll survive, pay bills and go to school. The trade I want to learn is only thirteen months long, but it’s full time. Meaning during the day.
I called the unemployment’s office, she won’t give me any information over the phone. I want to see if, in view of my situation, there might be some government aid or something that might help me go back to school.
To be continued…
Have fun!?
J
One arm man!?
Didn’t I say I had an appointment at 8:10 ? If I check my agenda and the secretary at the front desk I did. I ended up on the operating table at 11:10. Talk about giving a guy time to think. I was a bit more nervous when I was called in, but I was still ok. He did have to tell me a few times to relax cause I was tensing my hand a lot. What do you expect? Even if my hand was numb, I could still feel and hear what he was doing.
With that said, it’s done. So far so good. It does hurt a little. I only took one painkiller.
My left hand is doing all the work and getting worse by the minute. I think it numbs faster then my right hand did. And to think it will be that way for another two months or so.
I take off the bandages on Saturday. I have my follow up on Wednesday. Only then will he tell me when I can go back to work.
Have fun!?
J
Today’s the day!?
No it’s not knee surgery. I just couldn’t find a pic of a gorgeous doctor playing with a patient. (that was clean)
But something tells me you don’t mind!?
I’ll let you know how it went as soon as I can.
Have fun!?
J
I gotta hand it to her!?
One of my best friends is finally going to the hospital this week to get an operation.
After months of agony, countless doctor appointments. Seeing specialist after specialist she will finally be freed of a problem that’s been bothering her for a while. She says she’s not afraid of the surgery, but of the outcome. She’s afraid she’ll be disfigured. That she won’t feel herself after the recovery and the rehabilitation.
I told her scars are a part of life. That she will be the same inside. This will allow her to be stronger. More free. I told her she will be back to her old self in no time. And no man would look away in shame when seeing her. She’s beautyful the way she is and that will never change. The scar won’t be that noticeable.
I tried to make her understand that it could get worse if she doesn’t go through with it. That she would be weaker if she waited.
I also brought up that a friend of ours, although not as active as her will have to wait till summer for her operation. She would kill to be able to do it now.
I know she’s strong and I told her so. And we’ll get through the aftermath together. Everything will be alright. After all, I am taking time off to help her in her time of need.
We’ve been part of each others lives for almost forty years, I think we’ve proved that nothing will come between us. She’s family, and families help each other. We are so close that sometimes it’s hard to know where she ends and I begin.
She can count on me and our other friend, awaiting the same surgery, to hold down the fort for a few weeks. We’ll give her all the support she needs and be with her round the clock, every step of the way.
So in that spirit, give someone a hand this week. Do a good deed. It doesn’t have to be something big, just lend a hand. And think of my hand, aaaaa friend while doing it.
She’ll be in surgery tomorrow morning. (08:10) It should only last twenty minutes. Flowers are not necessary. Just have some positive energy sent her way. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.
Have fun!?
J
Bringing the boy home!?
I was pretty ok yesterday. I didn’t do anything, but I wasn’t blue anymore. I guess you spend a day blue, you have to spend a day just recovering. Today is totally different. I tried to motivate myself last night to do a few things today. It worked. I took my time waking up, having coffee, reading blogs and then I was ready.
I’m really out of shape. I decided to turn my bed around. I actually wanted to do that for the past three weeks. It’s in a corner of my room, facing west. I just wanted to turn it so it would face south. I finally did it this morning, but I was so out of breath after. I can’t believe that just moving a bed can bring me down like that. So I took a break. I relaxed in bed while the cats ran around trying out the new lay of the land.
After about ten minutes, I got up and did the dishes. I was fine, only one thing was bothering me. My back was hurting. No I didn’t throw it out while moving the bed, just standing at the counter, which is to low, gave me pains in my lower back. I tried to straighten myself as best as I could. After I cleaned the bathroom.
It’s good to be able to do things. And I didn’t push myself to do them. Ok I did last night, but this morning I was in the mood to do them. Just like earlier this week when I baked. It’s as if there is a seven hour delay between my wanting to do something and actually doing it. So I guess I’ll prepare my days the night before. That way I know I’ll do stuff during the day.
In other news, Pascal got some new albums on Itune. The first is the first album of Chris Daughtry. Remember him? He was on American Idol. Daughtry is pretty good for a debut album. A bit ruff but I’m sure he’ll find his voice soon enough.
Next is the latest from Jann Arden, Uncover me, it’s all cover songs. Really good and very well done. Give it a listen. She brings her personal touch to some of her favorite oldies. Solitaire and Love is a battlefield are amazing. She also has a song about “bringing the boys home”. Our soldiers guys. Get your mind out of the gutter. Hopefully this will make her more popular in the States.
Last but not least, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I added a new link in my blogroll. It’s the first one at the top, the D-tour. It’s the blog of SlyD, a nineteen year old student trying to figure out the right time to come out. He’s been thinking about it for a few months now. So go say hello and give him a few words of encouragement and wisdom. Thanks!?
So on that note, I’ll keep straightening my room.
Have fun!?
J
Does push come to shove?!
I could feel it Wednesday. It rolled in like the fog. Half an hour later I felt nervous. With every move I made I could feel the shakes of weakness. I knew what it was, but I didn’t want to believe. Everything was going great. Why now?! What happened?!
I went to bed with the intent of fixing, whatever was ailing me, in my sleep. It didn’t work. I woke up and spent the day with the blues. I was a zombie again. Moving slowly. Not being able to do anything. Just being was an effort onto itself. I again decided to go to bed with the strong intent on fixing whatever it was.
I woke up ok this morning. I guess it past. I hope whatever it was that it’s fixed, and not just pushed aside.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll have ups and downs. What I’m wondering is, should I just grin and bare it when it happens or can I ask of myself to fix it as soon as possible?! By concentrating on fixing it, am I just getting rid of it or really fixing it. I guess I should be patient and give it a few more days next time.
In a way I do believe that every down time is me going through something and dealing with it. I refuse to believe that it would just be idle time. I’m just trying to be as positive as possible. What do you think?!
Have fun!?
J
Ashing it out!?
Anybody doing lent?!
I’m not a religious person, I’m more spiritual if anything. But I do follow some of the “trends” of religion. Me and a friend at work usually tell each other what we’ll be giving up for the next forty days. Since I’m not working, I’d like to do the same thing with you guys.
As you know I gave up beer, almost two weeks ago. I’ll keep that up. I’ll include all alcohol too. I also decided to give up Coke. I drink a lot of Coke. It’s caffeine free diet Coke, so I guess it’s not that bad, but it’s still a soft drink.
And last but not least, I’m giving up chocolate. This one will be the hardest.
So what will you give up for forty days?!
Have fun!?
J
From 0 to 60 in just a few hours!?
I feel like an old car that won’t start on the first try. It takes me a few hours to get in the mood to do something. I know I have to take my time, and I do. It’s just weird to take so long to finally decide to do something.
Yesterday morning I decided to get some groceries to bake muffins and a cake. I left the house at three in the afternoon. It was cold, -25, but there was no wind, so it was ok. When I came back, it took me about an hour before I started baking. I made one batch of muffins and the cake. I also made chicken pot pie for dinner.
It felt good to be busy. Everything, once I started, just flowed. After the muffins, I rinsed the bol and started on the cake. The muffins came out and the cake went in. I prepared the stuffing for the pie and let it simmer on the stove. I made the crust right before it went into the oven for about forty minutes.
After dinner, I prepared the sink for the dishes, the neighbor didn’t come yet to install the dish washer. I ended up “being ready” to do the dishes at eleven. I didn’t do them all, my bed was calling me.
I’m happy to be back to a normal sleeping pattern. And I usually wake up around seven. Even if I feel tired during the day, I usually just end up resting in bed, not sleeping. Usually half an hour is enough for me to get back up and feel awake again.
So hopefully the time between the “want” and the “do” will get shorter and shorter. I’m not really pushing myself, I still have about five to six weeks still. So I’ll just stand by and observe the changes.
I’m still trying to coax my self to quit smoking like it did the drinking. I’m still off the stuff. I don’t miss it. I don’t feel a need, no craving, nothing.
My room is less of a mess. It’s still not the cleanest room, but it’s getting there. I think it’s all related. The more confident I’ll be, the more I’ll do, the cleaner my room will be. I know it’s slow, but I see and feel the changes happening every week.
I just hope my operation next week won’t put a dent in the process of getting better.
Have fun!?
J
Flat Sam!?
It’s been a pretty quiet week-end. I still fall asleep right away at night. I only do one or two things a day. I feel good. I even tried to take a few naps during the day Saturday but I just didn’t need them. Everything seems to be getting better. Or at least I’m on the right track.
Tom left a comment on how amazing it feels not to drink. He’s right. I’m sure I sleep better because I stopped. I don’t wake up in sweats if I cover up. I really do think it was not letting me move forward. Reducing the medication’s effects and also my physical and mental healing.
I really don’t know if the drinking got taken care of unconsciously but… I don’t miss it and I don’t crave it. There are some bottles in the fridge, they’ve been there all week and I’m not even tempted. I haven’t seen any weight changes, but I do feel better, not as bloated.
I’m trying to talk myself into dealing with the smoking the same way. I don’t know if it’ll work.
So why is it that if I didn’t do anything and don’t drink, I still end up borrowing over three hundred from Pascal?
My monitor blew out. It had been acting up in the last few days and last night it just died. So this morning we went to the store and I bought a new one. I got a 19″ Samsung flat screen. It looks so sleek, all black and the space I save. The other was 17″ but the casing was huge. I have so much space on my desk now. I love it.
Hopefully the week will be as peaceful.
Have fun!?
J
Coming out of the shadows?!
I guess I could say the last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions. My decision to stop blogging was a good thing. And I’m glad because it only took me a few days to make myself understand that the blog is not my life.
The first day after my decision to stop, I already felt better. After a few days I realized that the blog is just one of many outlets. Now I feel better about writing and if I don’t feel like writing or if I have nothing to write about, I don’t feel bad about it.
If people comment or not, that’s also ok now. Before I would stay glued to my desk and wait for comments. It’s a good thing I made myself understand because some of you are sick. Some have computer problems and some comment only if I comment on their blog first.
I read my blogroll every day. I’m influenced and inspired by all of you. I can’t wait to be well enough to start running also. I can’t wait for the snow to melt so I can get back to cycling.
I feel myself getting better. The days are longer. Even with temperatures in the -25 with a windchill of -40 I still go out there. And it feels good. I feel more positive now. Things aren’t always dark and gloomy like they used to.
I did suffer four attacks in the last two weeks, I still don’t know why, but it’s ok. They come and go. I’ll just take it as it comes. I will be evaluating why and work on making myself understand that there is nothing to it.
I have been drinking a lot more lately. Make that for a while. And for some reason, on Sunday, while drinking, but a lot less then usual. I decided that it was enough. I don’t have the money to keep it up. I know it’s not a thing to do while on medication. And I need to get my clothes to fit again.
So Monday I didn’t drink. On Tuesday my head was telling me, “go ahead, taste it. Taste it.” It was not a craving, it was more like a parent knowing that it’s not good for you but will let you do what you want. I don’t know if it makes sense, but that’s how it was. So I waited until late Tuesday. Right before dinner. I opened one. I hated the taste and I felt bloated right away. It took me more then an hour to drink the one beer.
The next day I tried again to see if it was just because maybe I didn’t feel good on Tuesday. Nope!? It was the same. I put half of it down the drain. And yesterday I didn’t drink at all and I don’t miss it.
I guess it’s a bit of all of the above, but for the last two nights, I fall asleep right away. No pills to help me sleep. And in the morning, I’m more alert. I haven’t had a good night sleep in a long time.
I really think things are looking up. Slowly but I can feel it.
Have fun!?
J
Only two more wrists!?
Time to do a bit of catching up.
Tuesday turned out to be a good day. I got up and took my time preparing myself to go to the clinic and get a copy of my test results. I took the bus to get to the clinic, everything was fine. After getting my copies, I went to see my doctor’s assistant. I told her I was being proactive and told her about getting tests done for my circulation problem. Since I’m not working that maybe he’d want to schedule me for the tests. She told me to make an appointment. So I’m not going to be scheduled for tests until I see him again, in about a month. Ridiculous!?
I walked back from the clinic and stopped at a few different stores, running errands at the same time. Once I got home I felt good and energized. My leg barely bothered me during the hour walk back. The rest of the day was quiet and uneventful. I couldn’t bring myself to do the dishes, so I didn’t push it.
By nine o’clock I was pretty tired, what with the exercise and the cold air, but I didn’t want to miss “House”. I love that show. And I’m a bit like Greg in a mean sarcastic kind of way. Then they showed scenes from “Gilmore girls”. Another show I used to watch a lot. I love their speedy talk and I guess I long for the closeness of the mother and daughter, the small close knit community.
I guess if you mix Dr. House and Loralai, you have a pretty good picture of a part of my personality. I also like Luke a lot. lol
After the show, eleven, I could barely stay awake. Once in bed, I couldn’t sleep. I guess I waited to long to go to bed. My mind started scenarios and asking questions. I fell asleep around three. I woke up at five twenty and couldn’t go back to sleep.
So it is with my eyes itchy and burning red that I staid up till it was time to leave for my appointment with the plastic surgeon.
He’s a very nice guy. He worked for a long time in the States. He told me he couldn’t do the operation with just the one little incision, the blade costs 175.00$ and the government only pays 120.00$ for this kind of operation. But he told me he doesn’t do a two inch incision like I told him I saw on the web, he cuts only about an inch.
After a few tests, even if there is no muscle deterioration yet, my right hand is already weaker then when I went for my initial tests three weeks ago. He said he wanted to see me as soon as possible. So February 27th at 8:20 am I’m getting the procedure done.
On this trip I took the subway and walked to get there. It was cold, windy and it snowed a lot. On the way back I took the bus and the subway again. Everything was fine but I’ve noticed I get a bit overwhelmed when I walk in the subway station. Most of our stations open up on the tracks even if they’re two flights down. So a big enclosed space. I guess I do have a touch of agoraphobia.
I fell asleep right away last night, just waking up once to go to the bathroom and went right back to sleep. I woke up startled this morning. I really felt like I had been in a hurry or in a fight. I think my conscious and unconscious are duking it out when I sleep.
As I’m writing this post, I feel calm, relaxed, maybe even a bit too relax. lol
I want to talk about the beer, I guess I’ve gone on long enough. I’ll talk about it tomorrow.
Have fun!?
J
My feelings aren’t my feelings?!
Yesterday did not go as planned.
As soon as I hit the publish button for my post, I started shaking and I started being anxious. I really don’t know why. Either the surgery is stressing me more than I think or I’m suffering from agoraphobia.
I figured I was weak and hungry at first. So I made myself two eggs, a peanut butter toast and a glass of OJ. After an hour I was still anxious and shaking. I figured I was tired. I took a nap. I woke up, didn’t move and evaluated my symptoms. No shaking but still anxious.
I decided to take my mind off the situation and started the load of laundry and the dishes. I sat down to take a break, my mind was a blank and my arms felt heavy. -no more standing tall. I never figured this would happen when I wrote that writing it down would be and feel more real.
I’ll just take it as, it was not meant to be for me to leave the house yesterday. Maybe my senses felt something and by doing what they did, prevented something worst.
I did get the laundry done. Did half the dishes. I did some exercises in my room. And I shaved the beard.
Although it took longer and I didn’t do all that I wanted to do, I did do most of it. The day was not a total bust.
So the first of the rest did not start with a bang!? More like a wet firecracker. The second will get better and so on.
I almost forgot, Joel 1, beer 0.
Have fun!?
J
Would I !? 